Monday, July 23, 2007

Your Vagina will not fall off..I swear.

So many women have a massive aversion to non-cotton underwear. Regardless, of what your or my GYN says, synthetic panties are not bad for your vagina. Most times, synthetic panties are so thin, meshed, or lacey, that oxygen will flow through them. AND, the crotch lining is 99% of the time made of cotton. If you are prone to yeast infections, then you'll get it regardless of fabric. And if you have a YI, don't wear any panties if you can help it. Air it out completely!!!

Modal fabric is natural, made of beech wood pulp, 50% more absorbent than cotton, and usually shrink-free, please try modal. It has a nice silky feel too.

One pair of non-cotton undies every now and then, will not make your vagee-gee fall off. I promise.

Summer's Return of the bra strap.

If you are wearing a strapless top ie. a tube top, then don't freaking show your bra straps. The top or dress is completely ruined. Find the proper bra or don't wear one. Bra straps, in Lady K's eyes, are way more offensive and tackier than any VPL.

This also goes for low back, key holes, etc. HIDE YOUR STRAPS or don't wear bra or exchange your shirt!

And PLASTIC CLEAR STRAPS, are still tacky. Do not rock them. Repeat, do not.

If you must, must, must rock the straps, then get some fun, shiny, ones. ON GOSSAMER makes some cute beaded straps that quickly hook on to certain strapless and convertible bras.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Mom is a 34DD, Daughter is a 34 AA.

Recently, one of our loyal readers, "Buzz", posed a question. Do E and I come across genetically linked ladies who have the utter opposite bra sizes? YES, WE DO.

Lately, I've noticed the daughters are bigger chested than the mothers, regardless of age, this occurrence is not unusual at all. But I feel bad when it's the opposite. The mothers have huge tay-tays and more curves than the franchise but their full grown adult daughter are completely flat chested - life can be cruel.

Two weeks ago, I had an older sister, say 22ish, come in for a fitting, 32c or d. Not bad, proportionate to her 5"8", 130lbs frame. Her 12 year old baby sister was a 38dd. Enough said.

Genetics plays a huge part in the way we are shaped, but sometimes, there's that rogue gene...

Apparently, stretch marks are genetic, that's another story...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Lingerie Glossary - Whale Tails

To me a whale tail is way worst than a visible panty line. At the gym today, I saw rampant whale tails. You know what it is. It's the tacky thong wearers who expose about 1- 4 inches of thong when they sit, squat, bend, etc.

Seeing a little bikini or boyshort slightly over someone's pants - not as tacky or thought provoking. My thoughts - "Ewww, dental floss is riding up her ass". It may turn some of you guys on, but it's skanky skanky. Especially, when panties and thongs have been revolutionized by the low rise concept. And it's not just at the gym, I've seen tv executives, actresses, plain janes, club kids, who are guilty too. So, whale tail is a disease that can affect all types of women.

Training Bras.

A custy and her pre-teen daughter asked me yesterday for a training bra. I didn't have one for her, oh well. Do our breasts need training? What are we training them to do? Juggle? Cook?
I feel like "we" are training our young females to cover themselves up, hide what nature and/or momma gave us. What happens when an anti-bra mother has a pre-teen daughter? Someone tell me please.

Sherman Oaks.

Lots of fake breasts in Sherman Oaks. I see more in the Valley area than in Hollywood. there's my fyi for today. -k

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Deodorant stains drive me nutz!!!
How is that some women leave those freakin' white marks all over their garments? Worst of all, our garments! They try, don't buy, we sigh.
Note to these women: YOUR DEODORANT SUCKS! It may help you stay fresh and smell pretty (I hope) but it looks gross on clothes. Don't try black anything on if you have shedding deodorant issues.

This also goes for FOUNDATION WHORES - change your make-up, don't wear make-up, or learn how to try maneuver your face around the garment. Don't try white or light anything on if you can't do the mentioned tactics.

Along with stains, clumpy clumps of deodorant stuck under your pits - equally gross! Wear some long sleeves.

-The K

Please go out and get some SUAVE INVISIBLE SOLID -it's cheap and works.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

I spent the 4th at Hermosa Beach where I witnessed a variety of swimsuit faux pas. The worst included, but were not limited to, the following:

1.Underwear as outerwear. Your lacy little Victoria's Secret number does not even remotely resemble a swimsuit. Yet, you confidently rock the undies-as-a-suit look. Why?? Please invest in an actual swimsuit. It was apparent that some of you hammered Hermosa hotties planned on going straight from the beach to the bedroom on the 4th, and I understand that it is convenient not to have to change clothes. But seriously, wearing your undies to the beach is just plain trashy.

2. Misuse of thong. Namely, the manthong. The oh-so-patriotic manthong in red, white and blue on five grotesquely overweight fortysomething asses. While I can certainly appreciate your devotion to our country and enthusiasm for the holiday, I cannot stomach my cheap-booze-in-red-beer-cup when you sprint, manparts dangling freeley, across the beach in front of me. Especially when the thin strip of fabric tucked between your cheeks grossly resembles a landing strip in a grassy knoll.
Women abused thong privileges as well. Oddly enough, it seemed that the widest butts on the beach opted for the thong.

God bless America... for manufacturing swimsuits appropriate for swimming that adequately cover the ass. WEAR THEM.

-E

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Tit Boss

Lady K was put in charge this week.

I am pooped. Not only did I wrangle boobs, I had to wrangle the tit crew to do their fair share.

Many boobies were left unattended to, I apologize. The week will be over soon, more blogging to come.

Recently dubbed,
Tit Boss

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Chicken Skin - stories from the fitting rooms

Again, a body image issue.

I had a custy today, probably in her 50s, with a well-toned body. I was quite impressed with her figure. Her stomach was flatter than mine by far. She put on a bra that fit really well, a 32c Chantelle. She then pulled me into the dressing room and held me hostage.

Custy, "As a professional, would you sell me this bra?"

K, "Yes, yes, I would. The fit is fine." Lady K doesn't lie about fit.

Custy, "But I'm spilling out of the top."

I zoomed into her boobs. Yes, they were spilling out by 1 centimeter at the most. Noticeable by the trained boobie eyes but otherwise the bra was fine. I shifted her bra around. She put on a tight tank top and began scrutinizing her back fat -- she actually didn't have much there. This customer for the next 5 freakin' minutes made me listen to her rant. Bitch, shut up!!!

I kept telling her she looked fabulous and fine. Not good enough for her. She squeezed the little jiggle area behind her arm near her armpits. Yeah, that area.

"This bra doesn't fit. I have this fat hanging out."

Slapping her was slowly becoming a option. She didn't need my service. I was there as her listening bitch.

"I can't have this hang out. Like when I'm having dinner.", Custy said.

What????

WHO LOOKS AT ARMPITS THAT CLOSELY AT DINNER OR EVER?

Damn you woman, bras are meant to fit your breasts. The bragineers don't design for armpit fat.

WHO LOOKS AT YOUR ARMPITS?

If you're a woman, then let me tell you, you will have body fat (makes you human) somewhere on your body. Don't deny it. But don't scrutinize it. So, you have a little chicken skin jiggles, your flat stomach cancels that out. Concentrate and accentuate the parts of your like. You have rockin' hair, a sexy voice, skinny ankles, glorious fingernail bed, etc..

Be a body builder, you will not have chicken skin, back fat, double bubble, or jiggly wigglies. Wait! You won't even need a bra because you will have no boobs!!!

The end.
-----

....yesterday.

I overheard a younger custy, maybe in early 20s, say, "I hate my body".
She was trying to get into a halter dress (change the dress!). It didn't look too good on her. Get another dress -- an easy solution. It doesn't matter how hot the latest Tori Burch tunic or Marc Jacobs babydoll or DVF wrap dresses is, if it doesn't fit, IT DOESN'T FIT. Hate the dress. Hate the designer. Don't hate yourself.

My usual response, "There is no hating in here. I won't have it!"

Custy, "I know."

K, "At least you have boobs to fuss about. You're alive and well."

Custy's Mom, "That's right!"

The End.

lovelove,
Lady K.