Saturday, June 30, 2007

Men and Lingerie

True Story.

Natori Bra and Thong Set in a beautiful sea foam green
- retail value $98 and $48. Holy heck, right?

In closet for four months, waiting for that special occasion, this set rested.

One afternoon delight moment, it was time for the set.

This lady looked hot as hell. The thong was the size of a rubberband. Hot.

Her gentleman gave her a quick look, "You look good." He spun her around and proceeded to take off her precious bra. Then he grabbed her breasts, "They're so firm." Then he peeled off the thong and tossed it on the pile of clothing.

Four months of anticipation. 4 seconds of appreciation, most of it because the set was easy to take off.

Lesson Learned: Most men don't care. Even if the sea foam green thong was made with the finest chantilly lace. So, when you lingerie shop, shop for yourself, whatever you think is hot, IS hot, don't worry his feelings.

Fyi, this "lady" was given the set, gratis from Natori, so the other lesson, don't spend too much!


Picture Tutorial Time.

Learn it.

Lately, I've been air drawing slopey pointy "average" boobs. Customers never quite realize breasts have shape to them, "saggy" really isn't a shape. Most customers between the ages of 18-50 have breasts like the "average". Some are larger than others but the shape still remains the same. This boob fits the most bras. It's not superfirm or saggy. Just don't gain any more weight.

The uneven boobs can be managed. Wear a molded cup and a padded bra. Try to fit the larger boob first or else you may double bubble on one side.

The wideset boobs cannot be managed. Your breasts will never touch each other unless they're long -- you don't want that. Don't push together your breasts, it looks effin' ridiculous. Keep them where they are -- just lift them. Try Wacoal's Ibra.

The firm boobs are a small class of lucky ladies who may or may not have to wear a bra. This boob type has firm tissue all around the breast area. The tissue is not mainly at the bottom like "average" boob. The "firm" usually can't stretchy lacey bras because there is no tissue to hang in the bra -- wear molded cups. The firm boob is usually shallow, giving it minimal bounce.


Friday, June 29, 2007

Busting Man Myths

Typically, when I divulge my profession to a guy, his reaction is something along the lines of “you get to touch boobs for a living? Cool!” I then tell him to picture boobs, but they are his grandma’s boobs, after a particularly arduous granny aerobics class. Not cool.

I went out with a guy once and, As it often does, the conversation turned from do-you-have-any-pets? to a chat about saggy boobs.

“I’ve never understood how girls let them get that way,” he said, genuinely perplexed. I mean, why don’t they just work them out? He was serious, and this was the single dumbest thing I’d ever heard. I’m not assuming that the rest of you men share the fratboy mentality of my date, but I fear that some men out there are either blissfully ignorant or have been sadly misinformed.

Another Man Myth: “You mean, women don’t like shopping for sexy underwear??
Many women do. Many more women absolutely despise bra shopping. To them, it ranks closely behind “undergoing a minor surgery” or “having a root canal.”

Many Man Myths are floating around out there. The Lingerieladies will bust them one Man Myth at a time.


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Summer's Double Standard

It's hot. It's humid. It's summer.
Men can roam freely in parks, at the beach, at the pool, or simply down the street. They can do it topless without a head turn or mouth drop. Un-effin'-fair.

But shout out to a daring and free topless woman in NYC -- go girl!!! Free the tay-tays!!!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Manx - sidekick of the Manssiere

To defend the potential manboob holder, I must tell of a story told to me by a well-known comedic actress. The story starts with Actress X seeking SPANX - the heavy duty, SLIM COGNITO collection. The actress was far from being fat but she wanted more grip and hold. The experience was painless for both of us. I didn't have to see it on her. She was quite competent in putting on her SPANX - never roll from the ankles!

As I was wrapping up her purchases, she complimented the quality of SPANX and told me that her male actor friends wore them too, with the crotch cut out.

So, the lesson is men do wear shapewear, we just don't know it. Men could be wearing m-bras as we type and we wouldn't know it. Big boobs can hurt women's backs, why not men's backs? Manssiere could be a medical need!

If not a manssiere, then a manisole, it's a start.


Saturday, June 23, 2007


Yesterday, my friend jokingly asked if I would measure him for a "manssiere" I laughed until I realized the potential cash cow.

Why not a manssiere? There are many men out there with a little extra manboob, and the problem remains unsolved. Manboob is quietly hidden beneath the baggy T, or awkwardly showcased beneath fitted garments. We have minimizers for women, right? Why not have them for men?? Why do women have to forcefully squeeze themselves into a pair of Spanx while their husband/boyfriend/whatever displayes his jiggly gut sans criticism?

I propose that we invent a line of shapewear designed for men, with garments to minimize manboob and suck in beergut.

The Manssiere- coming soon to home shopping networks near you.


There is HOPE!

I had two custys come in 20 minutes apart that made me rethink some issues.

Custy A had given birth three weeks ago. She was a firm 34C. I announced to her that she had the best breasts I've seen post baby. Then I announced it to her husband. Who proudly smiled back and said, "They were nice before too." Everyone left happy.

Twenty minutes later, Custy B approaches me ironically with the same bra Custy A bought earlier. Again, I went in to check her fit and holy baby, she was a firm bigger 34C. I annouced to her and her husband the same news.

'Tis a miracle, firmness post baby. I've been doing this for more than a 1.5 years and this is the first time I've seen "the firm" post prego, and two in a row!!!

I'm not saying I'm ready to crank babies out, but my breasts have a slight sigh of relief if I decide to one day.


Friday, June 22, 2007

3 Kinds of women

1. lift and separate -- some want natural lift and a space enough for the wires to sit in. I must tell you this is not always possible. If you're full of tissue in the center, I can't get separate much, trust me. Don't be disappointed. Hang out with group 2.

2. push up and together --some want natural lift. some want breasts to touch their necks. This group usually consists of fake boobers and wide setters. If you have fake breasts, please see my lovely drawing to the right. Wide setters, you were born that way, your tissue lies far each other. I can't do anything, there's no scientific way I can make your breasts touch. I swear.

But for those with some touching hope, please try our new favorite push bra, WACOAL I-BRA PUSH UP. We love it on. 31 out of 30 people have bought it from me. It's a natural push with some va-va-voom but no "double bubble".

3. let them hang -- these ladies don't give a hooter about where their breasts land. They make our job less frustrating.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Addendum to R9

We are particularly grossed out when we discover the disgusting items that you attempt to hide somewhere in the fitting room. In addition to the usual snotty kleenex, the following items were found lodged in some nook or cranny in our fitting rooms:

1. A wadded up, heavily soiled "period panty"
2. A stale, half-eaten pretzel dog from Wetzel's Pretzels
3. A rolled up, smelly, fermenting diaper


Check it

Lady K's latest posts really hit home for me. Today, at this very moment, someone I love is having a double mastectomy. Breast cancer is a serious thing, ladies. Get yourself checked out!


Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Real Women

What's a real woman?

Oprah brings "real women" on her show, usually rockin' their curves, rolls, and folds. These are real women. People clap and holla back. These women love the way they look: wrinkles, fat, skinny, anti- media types.

But then Oprah does a show about Spanx and jeans that make your butt look smaller.

There's a lot of mix messages in the media, even from the queen of real women. I love me some O, but she needs to make up her mind.

If these women I mentioned are "real women" then what about the chicks who are 5'10", 125lbs, 32dd, and pretty. What about the women who get and like their implants, nose jobs, and botox? Are they not real?

I have to show some love for this second group of people. They're just as "real" as the first group. Even if you buy your beauty, it's your choice, it's a real choice. Even if you have cartoony 32H boobs, do you. The difference between a mega push-up bra and a boob job - one's quickly removable.

It's up to you to make yourself a "real woman". Don't let the media eff you in the head with images of what "real" is.

"Real women" are confident, sexy, and smart regardless of looks.

Real lady K

Self- Hatred. Stop it.

A few days ago, I said something that say, unfortunately too often.

"There is no hate in my fitting rooms."

This time I said it to a woman who was in her late 60s. I've said it to young, good-looking 20-somethings, a 90 yr. woman, too many teenagers, and ladies in between.

Most of them start the conversation by saying:

"I hate my body."

"I hate my boobs."

"I hate my back fat."

"I hate my thighs."

Shit, that's a lot of hate. When I hear these phrases, I respond LOUDLY (ask E she heard me).

"There's no hate in here. I won't allow it. You're alive. You have breasts to complain about, that's a good thing."

Most of them shut the hell up and think hard. I try to make the bra fitting experience pleasant and funny, but sometimes I have to throw reality into the mix.

Not only do I do bra fittings, I am certified to do prosthesis fittings. I count my blessings and my boobs daily because some women can't. It's unusual and sad to see a woman without breasts. But this woman usually is upbeat and just glad to be in the fitting room. There's not much sadness and usually zero hate from this woman.

Learn to love what you have. It can be done.

The 60 yr. old custy from above also complained about her flabby arms (arms are an issue for me too). I said to her,

"Who cares, the bra is hot, at least you have arms, all good."


9. Your housekeeper doesn't work here, remember that. Respect the goddamn dressing rooms. I may touch your boobs for my living but I do not need or want to pick up merchandise from the floor next to your empty coffee cup. I don't give a hoot if you have a "black card" even the metallic one doesn't impress me when you throw merchandise that does not belong to you on the floor and walk away. There's a bench in all the fitting rooms, put it there. We do have cool-ass custys who even attempt to hang bras up for us (cute but not necessary).

It breaks my heart to see a $200 bra thrown on the floor. A small Italian or Chinese person made it with love and now you just toss it, that's effin' rude!

Don't be a bitch diva, pick up after yourself. Lady E and I will come to your house and throw your clothes on the floor. We'll find you....


R7: Do not rush the check-out process. We have just spent, in some cases, over an hour fitting you for bras, but as soon as we hit the cash wrap you are suddenly incredibly pressed for time. Seized with a sense of urgency, you thrust your credit card at me as I scramble to untangle your various purchases. Tapping your foot and sighing audibly, you stare as I scan your items with what you perceive to be a painstakingly slow pace. You distract me from a speedy wrap-up by repeatedly asking me what time it is and muttering about your husband and children waiting for you downstairs. RELAX and stop stressing me out.

R8: Respect the department. Stop entering the department like a crazed animal, violently yanking items off racks to haphazardly dump them somewhere else. You know that I am the one responsible for cleaning up your mess. You are a grown woman- show some respect! I do not come into your office and start hurling staplers at you.


Sunday, June 17, 2007

Will my boobs sag if I go braless?

The jury is still out on that one.

Lady E and I believe that at least for firm breasted/chested ladies that the answer is NO. We rock the no bra thing frequently. I actually read a Japanese study stating that "bra"ed women are more likely to sag because the bra lets the chest muscles relax too much. You chest muscles (pecs) need to do work on their own sometimes.

But if your breasts are big and saggy to begin with - wear a bra, 'tis better for your back.

We didn't figure in 'having babies' yet. That's a guarantee sagger for all sizes, please see "INSTANT BIRTH CONTROL" blog.

Go Braless.

If you can, then I say DO IT.

I looked one custy in the face, then at her breasts, then her dress, and said to her, "Go braless."

"I can?"

"Heck yeah, there's no point in a bra, I'd love to sell you a bra, but you don't need it."

She wasn't flat chested but the dress wasn't see-thru.

"Go braless".

Bras are freakin' restraining articles of clothing for most people. The poor big boobied ladies who have to wear bras all the time - they come in with permanent dents in their backs, shoulders, etc. (Use comfy straps to leviate shoulder marks)

So, if you can rock it, rock it sans bra.

Special K.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Custy Rule: R6

If I am wearing a measuring tape, a key bracelet, and straightening bra bunkers and sleepwear racks, then please don't freakin ask, "do you work here?"

No shite. Of course, we work here. One of these days, I will answer, "No, I like looking like a lingerie lady for fun".

Trust me, Lady E and I do not wear or go near measuring tape outside the department. Unless requested, we will not measure ladies for fun, it's all business.

Though I've caught myself straightening clothing racks in other stores - bad habit.

Lose the white bra.

The summer is upon us.

Ladies, under white clothing, do not wear white bras. Under white pants, do not wear white panties.

Wear nude, tan, pink, even certain browns. These colors will blend with most skin tones. Believe it or not, white under white is tack-kay. If you want your bra to show, wear purple, green, or smurfy blue (the it color of the season).

Lose the white.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Put that dress down!!!

I can not stand women sometimes. Why do we as a species buy clothes on a whim without ever thinking of "hey what will my boobs look like underneath my sheer/backless/sideless/crisscross front dress?"

Think first, ladies. Don't give that dress a permanent place in your closet, until you see your lingerielady or know for sure you can rock it without a bra.

This also goes for shapewear, slimming and no-lines issues. Some clothing will be impossible to wear anything underneath. Shapers may rise too high in the back for some dresses. Your love handles may be under control but may also be forced out your armpits or turn into "back fat". I've been bold enough to go commando top to bottom, but are you? And commando is not always the best choice ie. short skirt flashes (think Britbrit/Paris/Lindsay) or massive cottage cheese bods (skinny and thick chicks).

I hate to say, if you have big, saggy breasts (big D - Z cup), and you purchase a low-plunging dress with or without back, then you let us know where you can find the perfect bra. Because, we can't help you.

There are custys who complain that there isn't a low plunge (deep v) bra out there that fits a DD or DDDs + (in any band size these are big cups). It's called science. It's called gravity. If there was one out there, even for a 34DDD, the support would be minimal. Remember, your breast tissue is made of fat. Fat is heavy. Fat will fall. If your breasts were made of clay, then maybe we can remold your shape, until evolution allows us claytits, PLEASE PLEASE, pick your clothing wisely.

Don't be disappointed. Don't be hurt. Don't be haters of small breasted chicks (like me). "Girls like you can wear this without a bra, that sucks." It sucks for you. It rocks for me.

We were blessed with different boobs and different designers -- go find a new dress!

lady k

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Boob Wrangler.

A fabulous and wonderful repeat custy called me her "boob wrangler".

I like it. I like it a lot.


Physical Pain.

Sorry folks, the lingerieladies have been in physical pain from long hours, heavy breasts lifting, we're beat, thus, our bloggin has been slower than usual.

Rest assured that are still seeing many boobies daily, no fear.

Our feet hurt. We are in the hurtbox. If you love your local lingerielady, give her a foot massage certificate. Mine are about to fall off. During rush hour in our department, you will find us sprinting down aisles, hustling four fittings, climbing tall ass ladders. I caught my manager dangling from the ceiling while moving the heavy rolling ladder with her feet. Talk about physical. She's nuts.

We look cute on the outside but behind the glamour WE WORK OUR ASSES OFF for the love of breasts!!!


Props to Lady E - lifting breastesses and stopping shoplifters.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


More tomorrow... but for now... would just like to let all of you know that I am now, officially, a crime-fighter extrodinaire.

Since the "Shady Ladies" blog, my intuition led to the arrest of one of the shadiest customers of Department Store X... a woman who frequently returns fraudulant merchandise and has multiple fake IDs.

Dept. Store X has an open investigation on this woman. She has stolen thousands of dollars worth of merchandise from the company.

As a reward for catching her, I received a coffee card. Meaning- I can order ANY coffee I like from the cafe downstairs. Thanks, Department Store X.


Kids in girdles.


I had a custy who seemed pretty nice until she told me what she wanted. She and her daughter, age 12, had come in with a tight stretchy dress and needed a tummy slimmer. They were preparing for her daughter's bat mitvah. The dress was for her daughter. That's a no-no right there. Tight stretchy isn't for little girls. The second no-no was that this effin' mother wanted to put her little girl in a girdle device to suck in her pre-pubescent stomach. WTF?!?!!?

What are we telling our young, impressionable, and media-prone daughters? Good eating and exercise are always good things to tell your children. But shoving them into contraptions meant for "hiding" society's notion of imperfection isn't a good example of parenting.

Custy X kept asking me to get a smaller slimmer for her daughter. She's a kid, companies don't make slimmers for children. Her daughter wasn't shaped like a woman, she looked like a 12 year old kid, a cherubic girl. She had a little girl's belly, big deal. I wanted to tell Custy X, look at yourself and your effin "imperfections" -- start there, on your own damn body. Custy X wasn't in perfect shape herself, disheveled, a bit rolly. I still thought she was a lovely person despite her shape UNTIL she asked for a girdle.

The look on little custy X was of confusion. Her bat mitvah was supposed to be a fun and life-changing experience. But it just became a fashion show. The dress was badly chosen by someone. But it was most likely bought by MOM. And now, lil' X was being shoved into SPANX. At one point, her mother put two different brands of girdles on her in hopes of a "miracle". YES, I WANTED TO STRANGLE THIS BITCH OF A MOTHER.

Daughters look up to their mothers, even when they're not looking, they're listening. If mothers hate their image, their shape, their "selves", then that's what their daughter will hear. I've watched many a Oprah shows where daughters become anoxeric or "hate themselves" because they remember their mothers' self image as being so poor or non-existent.

So, if you have a daughter, listen to what you say about yourself. If you don't like like your fat ass, then go to the damn gym, eat less cheese.

So, if you have a daughter who isn't slim and dainty, watch what you say and do. Don't change her shape, don't hide her body, there'll be plenty of pressure in her life from peers, the media, and the society, you, as her mother need to defend who she is. Mothers - don't believe the hype, believe in health.

Unfortunately, Custy X was just the first of this type of mother in our department. The ones that follow suck equally. YOU ARE BAD MOTHERS, listen to yourself!!! Giving your children expensive clothes and parties may be cool to them for the moment. But what you say about their bodies will last a good lifetime not a moment. Please think first.

Oh, and kids in thongs, that's another no-no in my mind.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Throw Out 'Em Panties!!!

A custy and I had a long discussion about panties today. She came in bought 9 pairs of bikini underwear. Most custys don't leave the department without some kind of conversation. Custy X said to me, "I just have to throw my panties away after a few months, people think I'm weird."

Au contraire, Custy X, you are not weird.

"I do it every 3-6 months."

"You do?!?!" X exclaimed.


The conversation ended with me telling her about someone I knew who wore her college underwear. We've been out of college for more than a decade. The only time one should wear college underwear is in college.

New underwear is a simple luxury most of us can afford but do not buy. I'm not talking fancyschmancy underwear -- those I wear a couple times a year, handwash, and store properly for many years to come. I'm talking about your everyday underwear: you work in them, you work out in them, you hang out it them, you cook in them, etc.

I usually rotate about two dozen pairs of my basics. I toss a pair or two every couple weeks. I replenish when I'm low. My basic underwear is never more than six months old. I don't like any holes, tiny ones suck just like big ones, so I toss! I wear a lot of black basics. Black fades quickly regardless of the quality of the undies. When the color is too faded, I toss!

There are days I wear two pairs of panties (not at the same time, silly rabbit). Freshness counts.

You don't need to buy high-priced underwear or anything. A new 3-pack of Hanes will do the trick. Though Lady K's favorite basics are DKNY low-rise in black.

This goes for men too, clean but stained drawers, are gross as hell. Throw them away. Calvin's, Fruit of the Loom, 2xist, whatever, get some new undies, man. And stop wearing whitey tighties or whateverthehell you call it, pick a new color.

In my opinion, white basics don't work on men or women, waste of money, dirty-looking too soon, and bad for the environment (using bleach to keep them white).

Honestly, regardless of color, just buy some new underwear and toss anything that is 6 months old. Love yourself and your groin area, keep it fresh with new undies. Simple luxury!!!


Ode to the nipple.

Why as humans
do we fear the nipple?
It exists
on most people
Those who don't
will buy a pair
Women have them
men have them
Babies are born
with itty bitty ones
Let them free
Show the world
No shame
but that of hiding
the Nipple

This is my nipple poem -- for you, our readers. Why? Because, a wise college co-ed, Miss D, once told me a decade ago, "Lady K, free your nipples, lose the bra, who cares, plus guys love it."
I've been listening ever since. On braless days (which are many in my case), let your nipples breathe, for god's sake. Seriously, most humans and many animals have nipples. I know you've seen a National Geographic show here and a Discovery Channel special there. Africans have nipples. Holy heck, so do Americans! If you have not seen a nipple either on yourself or another person, then you are a nippleless non-nipple noticing alien.

Today, my fellow lingerieladies, were in shock that my nipples were "available". I was wearing a bralette (a thin cotton material) underneath my metallic tank top. My response, "Ladies, we sell sex here. We all see naked nipples for a living. Mine are under a shirt and cardigan, re-the-fuck-lax."

Even within the lingerie industry, people freak out about the nipple. The nipple is part of our anatomy, deal with it. When you're sexually aroused, your nipples get hard. But the same goes for cold weather. Hard nipples are a reaction to stimulus -- that's it.

The nipple is not a dirty body part. It's cute on some people. It's giganto or pepperoni size (including areola) on some other folks. But it's there. Don't freak out (unless it's effin' massive donut size --let us know.

I've seen some ladies without nipples or breasts for that matter, due to cancer. They are alive and grateful for every body part still intact. So, honor thy nipple(s), because you still have it. Don't hide from it or hide it from others. I'm not asking you go topless in public, but, just be okay that your nipples may poke through your shirt every now and then. Don't buy anymore breasts stickers to force your nipples to stay put. I'm asking you to live your life without the constant worry, "I wonder if my nipples are showing?"

You don't see guerillas or cows covering their nips, do you? Mother Nature and Miss D say, "Let them free".

And for those people who want to take a peek at your nipples protruding out on a cold day, who the crap cares. They have nipples too!!!

Some folks even have three nipples, I called them "special". I made out with a hot Irishman with three nipples once. Ah, good times, good times...

Friday, June 8, 2007

Shady Ladies

I just wanted to write a little note to all of the shady, fraudulent women who shop (I use this term loosely, and you will soon see why) in my department.

I'm onto you. You reek of crazy and I am picking up the scent.

Shady indicator #1:

You are wearing sunglasses. Not only are we inside, but we're bathed in harsh flourescent lighting. Very few medical conditions require you to wear sunglasses indoors. Even fewer suggest that these sunglasses be cheap Chanel knockoffs.

2. You cannot stop talking. The subject matter is not limited to, but focuses primarily on your "money". You physically cannot stop speaking until you have told me all about your summer home, favorite La Perla panties, and manfriend on the side. Guess what? I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. You are wearing a thin, stained t-shirt and your cheapass acrylics have clearly not seen a mani in several months. Stop lying to me.

3. You buy loads of stuff without trying any of it on. All bras do not fit the same. You must try them on. I tell you this, and you decline my offer to start you a fitting room. I smell shady.

4. The things you buy are in all different sizes. I point this out and you say, "Oh, yeah well my size varies...some things I like to be a little smaller... sometimes I need a little room..." Yeah, that makes sense. But you are buying underwear in both sizes large and extra small, when that butt of yours hasn't seen an extra small since fifth grade. Again, shady.

5. You bring a questionable entourage. Usually, this entourage consists of creepy pimpesque boyfriend who lurks near the periphery of the department, and equally-shady best friend.

The point is this: I know you are going to do fraudulent things with my merchandise- things that will likely result in a hefty return on my commission. So don't be surprised when I completely ignore you the next time I see you in my department. But don't worry...the slightly newer salesgirl who still thinks you are a nice, normal customer will be happy to help you.

-Lady E

Speaking of Skinny Bitches...

A famous supermodel came in to the department today.

I just wanted all of you to know that she had a severe case of cottage cheese thigh.

That's all.


Fat Chicks, Skinny Bitches.

Big People - stop thinking that we care that you are fat. We're here to service you regardless of size. Do not apologize to us for your fatness, go to the gym, eat less. Don't cause a scene when one isn't really there. Don't run from me. Own your body.

Big People - don't assume because I weigh sometimes 100lbs less than you that I cannot fit you correctly. I've had fat custys who refused my service because of my size. But I've had 100s of successful happy fat fits, so it can be done!

"Is there someone larger than you who can help me?" No joke, this has been asked many many times. "Someone my weight?"

Once I responded, "No, but my manager is here, and two of us are your weight."

Lucky for me, the custy didn't sock me, she laughed and let us fit her. She left quite happy with some 40DDD bras.

Angry Big People - even effin' worse. This group gets mad at us and the product they can't fit into. Once there was an angry big person who yelled at us because her SPANX wouldn't pull up all the way. If you are over 300lbs, no girdle will fit you. Invent one, stop yelling at us. Seriously.

There are larger lingerie ladies on staff too. They get the opposite effect from the Skinny Bitches. Skinny Bitches you probably don't have much boob to begin with.

Skinny Bitches - don't think that because a lingerie lady is fat that she doesn't know small size or what's sexy.

Regardless of what size we are, we know our stuff, so shut it, and let us do our thang.

No Mo' Black Yo!

This post kinda relates to previous posts"brand of the moment" and "embrace the lace". There are so many of you, women and men, who spend your hard earned moola(h) on sexy, lacey, racey, black lingerie. Why? Oh, why?

Black isn't even a color. It lacks hue, brightness, doesn't reflect light. Why keep wearing it?

Repeat after me, COLOR is the new black.

Don't be afraid to wear crazy, neon purple thongs. It's comin' off anyway.

So, challenge yourself, next time you "sexy" shop, buy COLOR.


Brand of the Moment


I get asked a lot by my men friends, "what's hot for my girlfriend?" My most recent response has been a brand called EBERJEY. Your higher department store should have it or your local fancy boutique.

The line is hot, sexy, and classy. It's younger and hipper. Anyone can rock it, but particular the ladies from 25-40. This age range is tired of Vicky's stuff. Vicky's is for girls. Guys - up the game, don't give your ladies something that's available to every women across the country. Think about it, Vicky's in every freakin' mall you can think of, boring!

Eberjey currently consists of a softer palette of colors. But even pale girls like myself can get away with light blues and greens. The line has panties, bralettes, camis, chemises (nightie), and pj sets.

Eberjey also has something called "the boythong" -- it's a hotass hybrid undie, rock it!

Eberjey your lady!!!


Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Nipple Hair(s)

Cut it off or tweeze it.
Leave the chest hair to the men folk.

Fitting a custy is hard when a or many pubic looking hair(s) dangle for dear life around your nipple.

It's like a cruel joke to women, body hair.
But if you read my ode to Brazilian Waxing earlier, you know there are methods to rid of unsightly hair. If you are proud of your one nipple hair, then I will sneak into your house and cut it off myself and run like hell.


Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Lingerie Glossary -- muffintop

Ah, the muffintop.

Unless you are bone thin, you have it. On slender people, it's not always noticeable, but it sludges out if you wear the wrong thing. Wrong thing = strong bikinis, tight ass lowrise jeans, too small elastic pants, etc.

Muffintop is a no-no in Lady K's blog. String bikinis need to be banned back to the 80s.

To rid of muffintop, make sure your undies have a wide band or a
forgiving stretchy band ie. Hanky Panky thongs. These thongs are great for big, curvy chicks too!

Say No to String.

fyi, women who wear tight ass clothes (even skinny girls), beware of muffintop's evil cousin, "sausage casing". It looks awful. Just because you can afford $300 jeans DOES NOT effin' mean you should wear them!!!

Monday, June 4, 2007

Creeped out moment #2

Lady K’s post sparked a momentarily horrifying, disgusting flashback.

One time (of many) that I was creeped out involved a lady that we will call Sue. Sue was a rotund woman in a mumu-esque floral-print dress who sported a slightly crooked and poorly crafted auburn wig.

Sue needed to be fit, and I was the lucky lady for the job.

Once in the fitting room, Sue explained that she would need to remove her wig. Fine. People wear wigs for many reasons and I appreciate that. I soon discovered, however, that Sue wore the wig for no purpose other than to conceal a mass of slick, dark, greasy curls. It was at this moment that I began to feel slightly creeped out.

To be properly fit, women must remove all garments from the waist up. Unfortunately in the case of Sue, mumu/dresses must be entirely removed or rolled down. Sue chose the entirely removed option. She peeled off the mumudress to reveal one of the rattiest bra/granny panty combos that I have seen to date. It gets worse.

Sue had massive, massive amounts of underarm hair. Two to three inches of glistening, curly follicles that smelled vaguely of cheese.

I fit Sue with rapid, jerking movements while holding my breath and struggling to maintain a believable friendly smile. I nearly died in that fitting room.

- Lady E

Creeped out moment #1

When I first started in the lingerie department, I met a lovely custy, a slight heavier custy, but who cares. Don't remember her name or face actually, but I remember something else. It still freaks the shit out of me.

Every person's body is unique in its own way -- I didn't know this until "that day". I when in with my custy and told her to unshirt. She did. I measured her from behind. I gave her my size speech, blah, blah, yada, yada... I walked out to search for the proper bras.

I traipsed back to full frontal horror. I swore she had two belly buttons!!!!!!!!!!

Some may say it was a dimple on her gut. I say it was an extra belly button!!!!!

I wanted to ask. I wanted to stick something in it to prove my point.

It was thumping like the heart under the boards, boomboomboomboom. I kept staring away only to be whisk back with utter curiosity.

And then she bought the bras and left. Never again will I need to see TWO BELLY BUTTONS!!!!!!!!!!!

-Lady K

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Instant Birth Control

After 1.5 years of looking at breasts for a living, I can indeed say I may never want to have children, ever, ever.

Breasts sag, breasts hang, breasts droop, breasts dangle, breasts swing wide, breasts flop
--- and that's on most normal women.
Multiply above verbs x 5, you get breasts that have had children.

I'm scared. Real scared.

I've seen good-looking women, bodies tight as hell, thanks to pilates I've been told time and time again. But their tays tays look awful. They're low, they've become so stretched from pregnancy then breastfreeding.

Here's a timeline:

1. regular boob

2. the sex

3. conception

4. hormones kick it, baby boobies begin.

5. new stretchy bra needed to adjust

6. realization that breasts are effin huge!
-- I've seen A cuppers become Cs and Ds.
-- I've met many natural 34ddds that got even bigger
-- for men, this might be entertaining and sexual.
for women, this will be pain and suffering (wear the right bra - don't be cheap)

6a. your nipple area is dark as hell -- evolution says your baby needs to see where the milk is coming from, makes sense, huh?

7. birth of culprit

8. happy happy

9. realization that breastfeeding makes you lose weight except in your breasts.
-- they only get bigger ladies, more milk is produce when you breastfeed.
-- use both boob if possible or one side WILL BE larger (seen many cases)

10. god bless, cows. you stop breastfeeding.
-- your ladies begin to deflate

11. happiness eludes, sadness dawns.

12. new bra shopping.
-- bitch to your lingerielady
-- even point the finger to your darling bay-bay "She did this to me. I didn't look like this before. Damn babies."

Lesson learned: Having small breasts to begin with is a good thing. It won't solve everything but it helps.

There's no such thing as booblates or boobga. If I had a superpower, it would be to zap post-pregnancy tits back into shape.

L to the K.

Rock Star.

Lady E. and I both had "rock star" Saturdays. I thought it. She said it.

The average day in the lingerie department doesn't constitute "rock star" status. But yesterday, I was in damn demand. Custys lining up and actually waiting for me, and only me. Gotta leave the repeat business. It felt good. There was no stopping me yesterday. I was fitting bras, telling jokes, laughing, and selling everything under the sun. The custys soaked it up and went away amused and rockin' themselves.

I am a rock star when I am demand. I am a rock star when ladies come out with $300-400 of bras and don't give a flyin' f#@$#k about cost. Many of them, shaking my hands, hugging me, dragging their girlfriends back to the department for a fitting (mucho gracias for this one) avec moi.

Gratitude on people's faces - well worth the dry hands.

'Tis a good Saturday indeed.