Sunday, December 30, 2007

Cheapstakes and Regifting

Yesterday, I, Lady K and my co-lingerie ladies were taken way way way aback.
A seemingly very lovely customer came to return a pair of PJs -- basic tank and floral print bottoms. It was a legit gift because all the tags were attached and the customer was nonchalant.

My co-lady didn't recognize the tags though they did belong to the store. With one look, I knew the tag was OLD, real OLD. I read the tag and realized this poor custy's "friend" gave a gift originally bought on November 27, 2004 for $11. Yes, it's 2007 and it probably costs $11 to drive and park. If that was a good friend who gave her that - shame on them. Don't give a gift then you punk! Save the embarrassment. Buy her a cake. Bake her a cake. Food gifts are cheap and very acceptable for holidays.

If you are going to regift, then take the damn tags off. Better yet, don't regift any type of apparel. I have friends who regift candles and bottles of wine -- actually acceptable. If you are a cheapstake or I mean, a regifter, then you must start a registry so you don't regift to the actual giver. Play it smart not tacky.

Regifting kills...

Thursday, December 27, 2007

The holidays bring out the best in people --love, kindness, sharing, caring.

And the worst in us --holey moley pants!!!! I spied a young woman proudly walking around with her left jean pocket fully ripped out. Her flannel boxers were fully exposed. WTF! 80s rock is over.
Exposing underwear is just not attractive, ripped jeans are just as bad as low hanging baggy jeans.

Another worst in us (not me) -- white wife beater with black bra. again the 80s are over. It's a tacky look that never worked unless you were at a Poison concert. So, unless there's a reunion concert, don't wife beat anything.

Yet, another worst -- along with tacky wife beater, the offender wore Zubaz pants (google it) adorned with Jack Daniel emblems. She was young and cute. With the outfit, she was yucky and tacky.

I like individualism but sometimes I don't.


Thursday, December 20, 2007

Reminder - no to ho'

If you have any visible holes in your bras or panties, toss 'em away, far far away.
My fellow lingerie ladies and I have seen a resurgence in holey moley underwear. Stop the madness. Your mother may have told you to wear clean underwear. I'M telling you to wear non-holey undies (bras, too). We see women in power suits with GMO dogs in Gucci bags that costs more than many third worlds' GNP. These women have holey undies, busted bras, and dumb excuses for not upping their undie game. Shame!!!!!!!

In case you're in an accident, the ER staff won't be horrified that you have holey underwear.


I had a custy who refused to buy a bra without my consent. This woman was married, she was someone's mother. This woman makes full grown very adult decisions. She carried a big Louis Vuitton bag. She gave birth to someone. And yet she has no say in her undergarments. I do?

That's insanity, people, insanity. I cannot be in your house to help you dress everyday (unless you pay me). Please be a woman about your bras, if you've been schooled by a good lingerie lady, if you think it fits, then it fits. Shut up and buy it.

Another robe?

Robes are a great go to gift for most holidays revolving around cold weather. But it's a damn boring, non-creative gift. Get her something fun for goodness sakes. A robe is not fun. Repeat, not fun. Unless, your lady's robe is tore up and more than two years old, don't buy her a new robe. And if you have a sexy, trendy, hot lady in your life, then don't buy anything that has cartoony prints on it. It will be returned.

If you are going to buy a robe anyway, then throw in some sexy thongs, body paint, chocolates, or a winter getaway with it. Fun. Fun. Fun. It may be cold but body heat beats any robe.

Holiday Hoopla

Well, it's been awhile. Lady E has been surfing the job market for life outside the thong. I, K, on the other hand have been bombarded with retail insanity during this holiday season. Custies have been frantic this week for the perfect Christmas gift. Let me tell you now, fuzzy robes, flannel PJs, cozy socks are not the perfect gift. If you have to rush in, freak out, and grab what's available because your loved one may like it, then it's not the perfect gift. As a retailer, I truly believe Christmas in America is a commercial holiday with no spirit in it. I may make money during this period, but I also have to pray that my custies and their recipients don't return their gifts for cash. Because I will be screwed with reverse commission. So, the lingerie ladies rather have you give cash or something else then "the perfect" lingerie gift. Don't lead us on...

Thursday, October 18, 2007

A Businesslike Bust

The lady at Baja Fresh got me thinking about see-through shirts.

I encountered my own see-though shirt dilemma the other day. Lady K and the girls of Department Store X know that when it comes to my own undergarments I am very much into the matchy-match, lacy, frilly stuff. The problem with refusing to wear practical bras is that when you are forced to don professional business attire sometimes the frilly stuff just doesn't fly.

Tuesday I had an impromptu business meeting. Fine, great. The problem was that I was out of the state for business, with no car and limited clothing options. I was forced to wear a white button-up shirt as part of my professional ensemble, but unfortunately I only packed 5 bras- all of which were black or colored and lacy. I settled on the least conspicuous one, but not without secretly feeling a little bit trashy.

The moral of the story? All of you hard-headed girly-girls out there should probably invest in at least one boring t-shirt bra. (Try DKNY or Chantelle- they make some t-shirt bras of the non-horrid-looking variety).


Mesh at Baja Fresh

The other day I had a moment of horror and confusion at Baja Fresh. No, I was not horrified or confused by the contents of my burrito, but by a fellow patron in white mesh frock.

As far as I'm concerned, the mesh garment trend died somewhere during the eighties, but this woman either did not get that memo or managed to revive the shirt from a local thrift store/costume store/ROSS Dress for Less. I personally believe that anything made of mesh should be either a) basketball shorts or b) used to catch a fish or clean a pool. This lady thought otherwise.

She was a somewhat rotund woman in her late forties with mousy brown hair that was tightly secured by a scrunchie (another fashion throw-back) at the nape of her neck. The problem with the mesh shirt was that the holes were very large- leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. The bigger problem was the exposed bra underneath: a dingy tan t-shirt bra. The massive, confusing problem was that this woman chose to pair the bra with BLACK granny panties pulled nearly to her belly button. WHICH YOU COULD SEE under the barely-there shirt.

There must have been a point in the morning where this lady got in front of the mirror and thought, yes. THIS is the outfit for today. THIS bra/undie/mesh combo will surely catch Bob-from-accounting's eye when he takes me to lunch at Baja Fresh.

I just don't get it. Please ladies- if there is ANY CHANCE AT ALL that the public might see your undergarments *especially when they are eating!* make sure to rock something hot. If you can't... well then either cover up or at least match that ugly bra with an ugly pair of panties of the same color!


Sunday, October 14, 2007

Man Thongs

When did Jockey start making cotton thongs and string bikinis for men!?!?!??!?!!?

I'm down for some kinky hoo hoo once and awhile, but everyday underwear?

Am I being sexist? Let us know what you think. Are there any men, well, manly enough to tell us that you wear man thongs and why?

You know how I feel about string anything - tacky!

Lady K.

Lingerie Glossary - gusset

A Gusset in lingerie refers to the piece of material/area of your underwear where your crotch will rest in.

So, don't ask your lingerie lady, "Is the crotch made of cotton?"

Because I will answer, "My crotch isn't, dunno about yours."

I love the word "crotch" with all my heart but when it comes to lingerie, call it a damn Gusset!

Jimmyjane candle/massage oil

Jimmyjane has created a line of high end erotica - sort of the Bentley of sex toys. Check them out.

I can recommend their Ember Candles - great smelling and strange combinations (ginger/date, habanero/grapefruit, coriander/quince, just to name a few). It will make a fantastic gift for most occasions that may end in sex. Go ahead and burn the candle for about 30 minutes. Then extinguish the flame and use the melted soy wax as a massage oil. The candle left alone can burn for about 60 hours. But that's no fun. Don't worry, the oil is not that hot, even within a minute of blowing out the flame. Try it, you'll like it, or at least smell good.

2 for 1 deal - I love it!

They're approximately $48.


Buy New Underwear !

I'm sure I've written about tossing out your undies every few months. I will write it again because today, someone said, "I haven't bought any new underwear in 5 years" (yes, 5). Hello, effin' gross, what are you wearing? Shreds?

The elasticity doesn't last too long, a few months, maybe a year at the most. Do yourself and your va-jay-jay a favor, buy new underwear every few months. I toss my daily undies every 3-6 months, keep it fresh. The lacey, fancy, schmancy kind I can keep for years - you should have enough of these too to rotate without wearing them twice a month (or keep dating new guys).

Holes = throw out
Overstretched = toss
Elastic exposed = ditch
able to celebrate an anniversary = trash ASAP


Saturday, September 29, 2007

Buttless Panties

check out N De Samim online. They are probably the best examples of buttless panties, high end, really sexy, and pricey. You'll find many buttless panty products online, so search around.

Yesterday, my fellow lingerie ladies and I had a great debate. Buttless - hot or not?

I went with the "hot" side. It's sexy, it's easy access, besides crotchless is so 80s. The youngest and newest lingerie lady was "grossed out" by the buttlessness. Ah, to be young and non-kinky, I don't miss it at all.

Live life, ladies, show your ass (at least in the bedroom).

You tell me what you think, HOT OR NOT? And WHY?


Zebra's in!

Are animal prints ever out of season?

Well, this fall, the zebras are out in full force. You can always find zebra in the D&G Collection, they love some black and white anything. Chantelle has a rocking zebra print collection of contour and lace sets (their extended Afrika collection).

This season let your Zebra out, leave the leopard, cheetah, tiger, and ocelot for a later date. -K


A few days, I (lady K), had a fun conversation with a custy regarding Hanky Panky. She loved her Hanky Pankies so much that her roommate wears them too. That's great! The more the merrier, right?

Then she said, "Oh, my roommate is always borrowing mine."
(insert nausea)

I gagged, "Borrowing?"

As she looked through the new Hanky colors, as she happily replied, "Oh, but she washes them."



Gross. We're humans. We have bodily fluids. Tide will not wash every ounce of DNA out.

I share food, emails, books, maybe even a shirt from time to time, but HELL NO on the undies.

If Hanky Pankies are too pricey for you, buy Felina or Gap's knockoffs, equally fun and way cheaper.

If you're dying to "BORROW" Hanky Pankies, then search Ebay first for some fresh ones. On occasion, search your local department stores for discontinue colors or wait for Nordy's anniversary sale in July.

PLEASE for the love of personal hygiene, no share the underwear!

grossed out,

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

23lb BOOBIES!!! holy motha.

This article is all about sports bra, not too sexy, but hugely informative. There are scientists out there who are researching ways to create the ultimate sports bra, to reduce side to side swaying while exercising. Big breasts like, DD-Gs can apparently weight 15-23 lbs. Holey moley. I can barely life 10lb dumbbells.

If you have big boobies, let us know what's happening.


Thursday, August 30, 2007

Small Butts

The lingerie ladies have to confess, they have no ass. It's a dilemma many women suffer from "small butt/flat butt/no butt", don't be ashamed, do not use butt padding, it's just false advertisement.

GAP ultra low undies can make the small butts look sexy, so go there.

Sunburn = bad boobies!

I had a custy today who was a 40DDD, yes, boobs were waterfalling out when she unhooked. But that's not the point. Her entire decolletage area was burnt brown while her breasts and stomach were milky white. Ladies, sunburn is not sexy, it's dangerous and ugly!

I see topless ladies all day long, too many are showing up with these awful burns/tans. It's not healthy. I'll take my milky porcelainess any day. Cover up, your breasts are sensitive. If you want to hurt yourself in a good way, try nipple clamps. Don't burn your boobies!

Cover up, SPF up!

Fall Must Haves

anything in "aubergine" (eggplant purple-ish) and NAVY, my personal favorite is a navy set from EBERJEY. get it get it!

Bringin' Crotchless back.

Check out Elle MacPherson's Boudoir black label.
Cute boxshorts with no crotch, very subtle.
Your lady will like it.
Your man will like it.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Panty tables

Many lingerie departments/stores have tables. These tables are usually filled with panties, lots of panties. The panties are neatly tucked on top of each other. Then some bitch comes in and pulls them out of order. She pulls not one, she pulls twenty and takes maybe two pairs. The neat table now is an utter mess.

Also guilty, are big effin stroller pushing mommies. They don't pull panties, they just knock the table over. Watch your kids and your ass as you back out!!!

Lesson: Respect the table, respect the employees who spent maybe 5 or 60 minutes to set it up. If you can't find what you're looking for, ask!!!! We'll serve you better and won't make fun of you afterwards.

Print on ASS

I adhor print on ass. "juicy" "pink" pink and juicy?

I don't care if you have something to say, just don't wear it on your ass. Too many women, young and old wear those tacky talking pants from juicy and Vicky's, seriously, stop.

Sweats are cool to chill and lounge in, love them. But once you put writing on the ass, it's all over. The women who wear it aren't usually "juicy" or "pink". But if you someone who can legitly wear them, let us know.

I know I can choose not to look but it's almost impossible to go to the mall or supermarket without seeing one. You're not supposed to look at the sun directly, but you do it anyway. I just can't tell the sun to go away.

Vera Wang lingerie!!!

Last year Vera Wang rocked the sleepwear/nighty scene.

This fall (might be available now) the line will be introducing some sexy, classy, glamorous pieces. The line is called Vera Wang Body.

The bustiers are hot!

Check out the crinkled silk bras - fun and flirty, show it off when you rock it! Only $60 approx.

The collection is classic Vera Wang style. Get it, get it.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Can you see my nipple?

A 32AA custy came in, with no tits or self-confidence. And it had nothing to do with her small chest. She thought she had gained weight and needed a 34b. I assure you she did not need a 34 anything. The woman was boobless and tiny.

She also wanted a plunging bra. Goddamn, just go braless!!!!!

She came out at one point and asked if I could see her nipple through her shirt.

"Yes, I see your left nipple."

"Uh, okay."

Guess what ladies, if you can see your nipple in the mirror, then yes, I can see it too. Don't ask stupid questions.

This custy continue to ask the dumbest questions (there are such things) about her straps, her back fat, her menopause, her nipple, her contour, etc.

Ladies, buck up, if the bra looks decent, feels good, then it's good, don't ask me. I can't show up at your house to help you dress everyday, remember that. I can't hold your hand or your boob.


I wish I didn't see it. But I bent down during a "panty line" evaluation for a custy and came face to face with old lady pubic hair dangling out of a pair of granny pants. I think I gave myself whiplash when I flew back up.

It does not matter what age you are - keep it tight, people, keep it tight.

Monday, August 6, 2007


This is a supplemental blog to the last one.
Ladies with babies, please DO NOT change your babies in our fitting rooms. There are lovely lounges, baby stations, even a family restroom, use it, it may be cleaner than our fitting room floors you let your child lay on.

If you must must must change your baby in unofficial places, then bring your Lysol and use it on our floors, benches, the baby, the diaper itself.

Bras and panties will be there when you come back from the restroom. We will hold your merchandise for free, really, so go to the restroom!

Baby Poo smells like hell when concentrated in confined places. I know this by experience. The ladies and I have walked into invisible clouds of death smells and baby peas. Stop abusing your lingerie ladies!!!

This goes for stinky adults too. We have also suffered many gas bombs. If you have gas, then PLEASE leave our small, again, confined fitting rooms. Fart in a corner out in the open, air out for godsake.

Discovery of the Day

It was a very used diaper hidden inside a decorative drawer in our fitting room. WHY??? Plenty of mommies have changed their babies in our dressing room (not recommended because BABY POO effin stinks!!!!!!!), but at least have removed their genetic dna from our premises. Who the hell was this bitch that left a diaper hidden in a fitting room? We will come and place a fish in your house, hidden in a special undetectable place. BITCH!!!

There are things called trash cans. Use it, please.


Monday, July 23, 2007

Your Vagina will not fall off..I swear.

So many women have a massive aversion to non-cotton underwear. Regardless, of what your or my GYN says, synthetic panties are not bad for your vagina. Most times, synthetic panties are so thin, meshed, or lacey, that oxygen will flow through them. AND, the crotch lining is 99% of the time made of cotton. If you are prone to yeast infections, then you'll get it regardless of fabric. And if you have a YI, don't wear any panties if you can help it. Air it out completely!!!

Modal fabric is natural, made of beech wood pulp, 50% more absorbent than cotton, and usually shrink-free, please try modal. It has a nice silky feel too.

One pair of non-cotton undies every now and then, will not make your vagee-gee fall off. I promise.

Summer's Return of the bra strap.

If you are wearing a strapless top ie. a tube top, then don't freaking show your bra straps. The top or dress is completely ruined. Find the proper bra or don't wear one. Bra straps, in Lady K's eyes, are way more offensive and tackier than any VPL.

This also goes for low back, key holes, etc. HIDE YOUR STRAPS or don't wear bra or exchange your shirt!

And PLASTIC CLEAR STRAPS, are still tacky. Do not rock them. Repeat, do not.

If you must, must, must rock the straps, then get some fun, shiny, ones. ON GOSSAMER makes some cute beaded straps that quickly hook on to certain strapless and convertible bras.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Mom is a 34DD, Daughter is a 34 AA.

Recently, one of our loyal readers, "Buzz", posed a question. Do E and I come across genetically linked ladies who have the utter opposite bra sizes? YES, WE DO.

Lately, I've noticed the daughters are bigger chested than the mothers, regardless of age, this occurrence is not unusual at all. But I feel bad when it's the opposite. The mothers have huge tay-tays and more curves than the franchise but their full grown adult daughter are completely flat chested - life can be cruel.

Two weeks ago, I had an older sister, say 22ish, come in for a fitting, 32c or d. Not bad, proportionate to her 5"8", 130lbs frame. Her 12 year old baby sister was a 38dd. Enough said.

Genetics plays a huge part in the way we are shaped, but sometimes, there's that rogue gene...

Apparently, stretch marks are genetic, that's another story...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Lingerie Glossary - Whale Tails

To me a whale tail is way worst than a visible panty line. At the gym today, I saw rampant whale tails. You know what it is. It's the tacky thong wearers who expose about 1- 4 inches of thong when they sit, squat, bend, etc.

Seeing a little bikini or boyshort slightly over someone's pants - not as tacky or thought provoking. My thoughts - "Ewww, dental floss is riding up her ass". It may turn some of you guys on, but it's skanky skanky. Especially, when panties and thongs have been revolutionized by the low rise concept. And it's not just at the gym, I've seen tv executives, actresses, plain janes, club kids, who are guilty too. So, whale tail is a disease that can affect all types of women.

Training Bras.

A custy and her pre-teen daughter asked me yesterday for a training bra. I didn't have one for her, oh well. Do our breasts need training? What are we training them to do? Juggle? Cook?
I feel like "we" are training our young females to cover themselves up, hide what nature and/or momma gave us. What happens when an anti-bra mother has a pre-teen daughter? Someone tell me please.

Sherman Oaks.

Lots of fake breasts in Sherman Oaks. I see more in the Valley area than in Hollywood. there's my fyi for today. -k

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Deodorant stains drive me nutz!!!
How is that some women leave those freakin' white marks all over their garments? Worst of all, our garments! They try, don't buy, we sigh.
Note to these women: YOUR DEODORANT SUCKS! It may help you stay fresh and smell pretty (I hope) but it looks gross on clothes. Don't try black anything on if you have shedding deodorant issues.

This also goes for FOUNDATION WHORES - change your make-up, don't wear make-up, or learn how to try maneuver your face around the garment. Don't try white or light anything on if you can't do the mentioned tactics.

Along with stains, clumpy clumps of deodorant stuck under your pits - equally gross! Wear some long sleeves.

-The K

Please go out and get some SUAVE INVISIBLE SOLID -it's cheap and works.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

I spent the 4th at Hermosa Beach where I witnessed a variety of swimsuit faux pas. The worst included, but were not limited to, the following:

1.Underwear as outerwear. Your lacy little Victoria's Secret number does not even remotely resemble a swimsuit. Yet, you confidently rock the undies-as-a-suit look. Why?? Please invest in an actual swimsuit. It was apparent that some of you hammered Hermosa hotties planned on going straight from the beach to the bedroom on the 4th, and I understand that it is convenient not to have to change clothes. But seriously, wearing your undies to the beach is just plain trashy.

2. Misuse of thong. Namely, the manthong. The oh-so-patriotic manthong in red, white and blue on five grotesquely overweight fortysomething asses. While I can certainly appreciate your devotion to our country and enthusiasm for the holiday, I cannot stomach my cheap-booze-in-red-beer-cup when you sprint, manparts dangling freeley, across the beach in front of me. Especially when the thin strip of fabric tucked between your cheeks grossly resembles a landing strip in a grassy knoll.
Women abused thong privileges as well. Oddly enough, it seemed that the widest butts on the beach opted for the thong.

God bless America... for manufacturing swimsuits appropriate for swimming that adequately cover the ass. WEAR THEM.


Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Tit Boss

Lady K was put in charge this week.

I am pooped. Not only did I wrangle boobs, I had to wrangle the tit crew to do their fair share.

Many boobies were left unattended to, I apologize. The week will be over soon, more blogging to come.

Recently dubbed,
Tit Boss

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Chicken Skin - stories from the fitting rooms

Again, a body image issue.

I had a custy today, probably in her 50s, with a well-toned body. I was quite impressed with her figure. Her stomach was flatter than mine by far. She put on a bra that fit really well, a 32c Chantelle. She then pulled me into the dressing room and held me hostage.

Custy, "As a professional, would you sell me this bra?"

K, "Yes, yes, I would. The fit is fine." Lady K doesn't lie about fit.

Custy, "But I'm spilling out of the top."

I zoomed into her boobs. Yes, they were spilling out by 1 centimeter at the most. Noticeable by the trained boobie eyes but otherwise the bra was fine. I shifted her bra around. She put on a tight tank top and began scrutinizing her back fat -- she actually didn't have much there. This customer for the next 5 freakin' minutes made me listen to her rant. Bitch, shut up!!!

I kept telling her she looked fabulous and fine. Not good enough for her. She squeezed the little jiggle area behind her arm near her armpits. Yeah, that area.

"This bra doesn't fit. I have this fat hanging out."

Slapping her was slowly becoming a option. She didn't need my service. I was there as her listening bitch.

"I can't have this hang out. Like when I'm having dinner.", Custy said.



Damn you woman, bras are meant to fit your breasts. The bragineers don't design for armpit fat.


If you're a woman, then let me tell you, you will have body fat (makes you human) somewhere on your body. Don't deny it. But don't scrutinize it. So, you have a little chicken skin jiggles, your flat stomach cancels that out. Concentrate and accentuate the parts of your like. You have rockin' hair, a sexy voice, skinny ankles, glorious fingernail bed, etc..

Be a body builder, you will not have chicken skin, back fat, double bubble, or jiggly wigglies. Wait! You won't even need a bra because you will have no boobs!!!

The end.


I overheard a younger custy, maybe in early 20s, say, "I hate my body".
She was trying to get into a halter dress (change the dress!). It didn't look too good on her. Get another dress -- an easy solution. It doesn't matter how hot the latest Tori Burch tunic or Marc Jacobs babydoll or DVF wrap dresses is, if it doesn't fit, IT DOESN'T FIT. Hate the dress. Hate the designer. Don't hate yourself.

My usual response, "There is no hating in here. I won't have it!"

Custy, "I know."

K, "At least you have boobs to fuss about. You're alive and well."

Custy's Mom, "That's right!"

The End.

Lady K.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Men and Lingerie

True Story.

Natori Bra and Thong Set in a beautiful sea foam green
- retail value $98 and $48. Holy heck, right?

In closet for four months, waiting for that special occasion, this set rested.

One afternoon delight moment, it was time for the set.

This lady looked hot as hell. The thong was the size of a rubberband. Hot.

Her gentleman gave her a quick look, "You look good." He spun her around and proceeded to take off her precious bra. Then he grabbed her breasts, "They're so firm." Then he peeled off the thong and tossed it on the pile of clothing.

Four months of anticipation. 4 seconds of appreciation, most of it because the set was easy to take off.

Lesson Learned: Most men don't care. Even if the sea foam green thong was made with the finest chantilly lace. So, when you lingerie shop, shop for yourself, whatever you think is hot, IS hot, don't worry his feelings.

Fyi, this "lady" was given the set, gratis from Natori, so the other lesson, don't spend too much!


Picture Tutorial Time.

Learn it.

Lately, I've been air drawing slopey pointy "average" boobs. Customers never quite realize breasts have shape to them, "saggy" really isn't a shape. Most customers between the ages of 18-50 have breasts like the "average". Some are larger than others but the shape still remains the same. This boob fits the most bras. It's not superfirm or saggy. Just don't gain any more weight.

The uneven boobs can be managed. Wear a molded cup and a padded bra. Try to fit the larger boob first or else you may double bubble on one side.

The wideset boobs cannot be managed. Your breasts will never touch each other unless they're long -- you don't want that. Don't push together your breasts, it looks effin' ridiculous. Keep them where they are -- just lift them. Try Wacoal's Ibra.

The firm boobs are a small class of lucky ladies who may or may not have to wear a bra. This boob type has firm tissue all around the breast area. The tissue is not mainly at the bottom like "average" boob. The "firm" usually can't stretchy lacey bras because there is no tissue to hang in the bra -- wear molded cups. The firm boob is usually shallow, giving it minimal bounce.


Friday, June 29, 2007

Busting Man Myths

Typically, when I divulge my profession to a guy, his reaction is something along the lines of “you get to touch boobs for a living? Cool!” I then tell him to picture boobs, but they are his grandma’s boobs, after a particularly arduous granny aerobics class. Not cool.

I went out with a guy once and, As it often does, the conversation turned from do-you-have-any-pets? to a chat about saggy boobs.

“I’ve never understood how girls let them get that way,” he said, genuinely perplexed. I mean, why don’t they just work them out? He was serious, and this was the single dumbest thing I’d ever heard. I’m not assuming that the rest of you men share the fratboy mentality of my date, but I fear that some men out there are either blissfully ignorant or have been sadly misinformed.

Another Man Myth: “You mean, women don’t like shopping for sexy underwear??
Many women do. Many more women absolutely despise bra shopping. To them, it ranks closely behind “undergoing a minor surgery” or “having a root canal.”

Many Man Myths are floating around out there. The Lingerieladies will bust them one Man Myth at a time.


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Summer's Double Standard

It's hot. It's humid. It's summer.
Men can roam freely in parks, at the beach, at the pool, or simply down the street. They can do it topless without a head turn or mouth drop. Un-effin'-fair.

But shout out to a daring and free topless woman in NYC -- go girl!!! Free the tay-tays!!!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Manx - sidekick of the Manssiere

To defend the potential manboob holder, I must tell of a story told to me by a well-known comedic actress. The story starts with Actress X seeking SPANX - the heavy duty, SLIM COGNITO collection. The actress was far from being fat but she wanted more grip and hold. The experience was painless for both of us. I didn't have to see it on her. She was quite competent in putting on her SPANX - never roll from the ankles!

As I was wrapping up her purchases, she complimented the quality of SPANX and told me that her male actor friends wore them too, with the crotch cut out.

So, the lesson is men do wear shapewear, we just don't know it. Men could be wearing m-bras as we type and we wouldn't know it. Big boobs can hurt women's backs, why not men's backs? Manssiere could be a medical need!

If not a manssiere, then a manisole, it's a start.


Saturday, June 23, 2007


Yesterday, my friend jokingly asked if I would measure him for a "manssiere" I laughed until I realized the potential cash cow.

Why not a manssiere? There are many men out there with a little extra manboob, and the problem remains unsolved. Manboob is quietly hidden beneath the baggy T, or awkwardly showcased beneath fitted garments. We have minimizers for women, right? Why not have them for men?? Why do women have to forcefully squeeze themselves into a pair of Spanx while their husband/boyfriend/whatever displayes his jiggly gut sans criticism?

I propose that we invent a line of shapewear designed for men, with garments to minimize manboob and suck in beergut.

The Manssiere- coming soon to home shopping networks near you.


There is HOPE!

I had two custys come in 20 minutes apart that made me rethink some issues.

Custy A had given birth three weeks ago. She was a firm 34C. I announced to her that she had the best breasts I've seen post baby. Then I announced it to her husband. Who proudly smiled back and said, "They were nice before too." Everyone left happy.

Twenty minutes later, Custy B approaches me ironically with the same bra Custy A bought earlier. Again, I went in to check her fit and holy baby, she was a firm bigger 34C. I annouced to her and her husband the same news.

'Tis a miracle, firmness post baby. I've been doing this for more than a 1.5 years and this is the first time I've seen "the firm" post prego, and two in a row!!!

I'm not saying I'm ready to crank babies out, but my breasts have a slight sigh of relief if I decide to one day.


Friday, June 22, 2007

3 Kinds of women

1. lift and separate -- some want natural lift and a space enough for the wires to sit in. I must tell you this is not always possible. If you're full of tissue in the center, I can't get separate much, trust me. Don't be disappointed. Hang out with group 2.

2. push up and together --some want natural lift. some want breasts to touch their necks. This group usually consists of fake boobers and wide setters. If you have fake breasts, please see my lovely drawing to the right. Wide setters, you were born that way, your tissue lies far each other. I can't do anything, there's no scientific way I can make your breasts touch. I swear.

But for those with some touching hope, please try our new favorite push bra, WACOAL I-BRA PUSH UP. We love it on. 31 out of 30 people have bought it from me. It's a natural push with some va-va-voom but no "double bubble".

3. let them hang -- these ladies don't give a hooter about where their breasts land. They make our job less frustrating.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Addendum to R9

We are particularly grossed out when we discover the disgusting items that you attempt to hide somewhere in the fitting room. In addition to the usual snotty kleenex, the following items were found lodged in some nook or cranny in our fitting rooms:

1. A wadded up, heavily soiled "period panty"
2. A stale, half-eaten pretzel dog from Wetzel's Pretzels
3. A rolled up, smelly, fermenting diaper


Check it

Lady K's latest posts really hit home for me. Today, at this very moment, someone I love is having a double mastectomy. Breast cancer is a serious thing, ladies. Get yourself checked out!


Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Real Women

What's a real woman?

Oprah brings "real women" on her show, usually rockin' their curves, rolls, and folds. These are real women. People clap and holla back. These women love the way they look: wrinkles, fat, skinny, anti- media types.

But then Oprah does a show about Spanx and jeans that make your butt look smaller.

There's a lot of mix messages in the media, even from the queen of real women. I love me some O, but she needs to make up her mind.

If these women I mentioned are "real women" then what about the chicks who are 5'10", 125lbs, 32dd, and pretty. What about the women who get and like their implants, nose jobs, and botox? Are they not real?

I have to show some love for this second group of people. They're just as "real" as the first group. Even if you buy your beauty, it's your choice, it's a real choice. Even if you have cartoony 32H boobs, do you. The difference between a mega push-up bra and a boob job - one's quickly removable.

It's up to you to make yourself a "real woman". Don't let the media eff you in the head with images of what "real" is.

"Real women" are confident, sexy, and smart regardless of looks.

Real lady K

Self- Hatred. Stop it.

A few days ago, I said something that say, unfortunately too often.

"There is no hate in my fitting rooms."

This time I said it to a woman who was in her late 60s. I've said it to young, good-looking 20-somethings, a 90 yr. woman, too many teenagers, and ladies in between.

Most of them start the conversation by saying:

"I hate my body."

"I hate my boobs."

"I hate my back fat."

"I hate my thighs."

Shit, that's a lot of hate. When I hear these phrases, I respond LOUDLY (ask E she heard me).

"There's no hate in here. I won't allow it. You're alive. You have breasts to complain about, that's a good thing."

Most of them shut the hell up and think hard. I try to make the bra fitting experience pleasant and funny, but sometimes I have to throw reality into the mix.

Not only do I do bra fittings, I am certified to do prosthesis fittings. I count my blessings and my boobs daily because some women can't. It's unusual and sad to see a woman without breasts. But this woman usually is upbeat and just glad to be in the fitting room. There's not much sadness and usually zero hate from this woman.

Learn to love what you have. It can be done.

The 60 yr. old custy from above also complained about her flabby arms (arms are an issue for me too). I said to her,

"Who cares, the bra is hot, at least you have arms, all good."


9. Your housekeeper doesn't work here, remember that. Respect the goddamn dressing rooms. I may touch your boobs for my living but I do not need or want to pick up merchandise from the floor next to your empty coffee cup. I don't give a hoot if you have a "black card" even the metallic one doesn't impress me when you throw merchandise that does not belong to you on the floor and walk away. There's a bench in all the fitting rooms, put it there. We do have cool-ass custys who even attempt to hang bras up for us (cute but not necessary).

It breaks my heart to see a $200 bra thrown on the floor. A small Italian or Chinese person made it with love and now you just toss it, that's effin' rude!

Don't be a bitch diva, pick up after yourself. Lady E and I will come to your house and throw your clothes on the floor. We'll find you....


R7: Do not rush the check-out process. We have just spent, in some cases, over an hour fitting you for bras, but as soon as we hit the cash wrap you are suddenly incredibly pressed for time. Seized with a sense of urgency, you thrust your credit card at me as I scramble to untangle your various purchases. Tapping your foot and sighing audibly, you stare as I scan your items with what you perceive to be a painstakingly slow pace. You distract me from a speedy wrap-up by repeatedly asking me what time it is and muttering about your husband and children waiting for you downstairs. RELAX and stop stressing me out.

R8: Respect the department. Stop entering the department like a crazed animal, violently yanking items off racks to haphazardly dump them somewhere else. You know that I am the one responsible for cleaning up your mess. You are a grown woman- show some respect! I do not come into your office and start hurling staplers at you.


Sunday, June 17, 2007

Will my boobs sag if I go braless?

The jury is still out on that one.

Lady E and I believe that at least for firm breasted/chested ladies that the answer is NO. We rock the no bra thing frequently. I actually read a Japanese study stating that "bra"ed women are more likely to sag because the bra lets the chest muscles relax too much. You chest muscles (pecs) need to do work on their own sometimes.

But if your breasts are big and saggy to begin with - wear a bra, 'tis better for your back.

We didn't figure in 'having babies' yet. That's a guarantee sagger for all sizes, please see "INSTANT BIRTH CONTROL" blog.

Go Braless.

If you can, then I say DO IT.

I looked one custy in the face, then at her breasts, then her dress, and said to her, "Go braless."

"I can?"

"Heck yeah, there's no point in a bra, I'd love to sell you a bra, but you don't need it."

She wasn't flat chested but the dress wasn't see-thru.

"Go braless".

Bras are freakin' restraining articles of clothing for most people. The poor big boobied ladies who have to wear bras all the time - they come in with permanent dents in their backs, shoulders, etc. (Use comfy straps to leviate shoulder marks)

So, if you can rock it, rock it sans bra.

Special K.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Custy Rule: R6

If I am wearing a measuring tape, a key bracelet, and straightening bra bunkers and sleepwear racks, then please don't freakin ask, "do you work here?"

No shite. Of course, we work here. One of these days, I will answer, "No, I like looking like a lingerie lady for fun".

Trust me, Lady E and I do not wear or go near measuring tape outside the department. Unless requested, we will not measure ladies for fun, it's all business.

Though I've caught myself straightening clothing racks in other stores - bad habit.

Lose the white bra.

The summer is upon us.

Ladies, under white clothing, do not wear white bras. Under white pants, do not wear white panties.

Wear nude, tan, pink, even certain browns. These colors will blend with most skin tones. Believe it or not, white under white is tack-kay. If you want your bra to show, wear purple, green, or smurfy blue (the it color of the season).

Lose the white.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Put that dress down!!!

I can not stand women sometimes. Why do we as a species buy clothes on a whim without ever thinking of "hey what will my boobs look like underneath my sheer/backless/sideless/crisscross front dress?"

Think first, ladies. Don't give that dress a permanent place in your closet, until you see your lingerielady or know for sure you can rock it without a bra.

This also goes for shapewear, slimming and no-lines issues. Some clothing will be impossible to wear anything underneath. Shapers may rise too high in the back for some dresses. Your love handles may be under control but may also be forced out your armpits or turn into "back fat". I've been bold enough to go commando top to bottom, but are you? And commando is not always the best choice ie. short skirt flashes (think Britbrit/Paris/Lindsay) or massive cottage cheese bods (skinny and thick chicks).

I hate to say, if you have big, saggy breasts (big D - Z cup), and you purchase a low-plunging dress with or without back, then you let us know where you can find the perfect bra. Because, we can't help you.

There are custys who complain that there isn't a low plunge (deep v) bra out there that fits a DD or DDDs + (in any band size these are big cups). It's called science. It's called gravity. If there was one out there, even for a 34DDD, the support would be minimal. Remember, your breast tissue is made of fat. Fat is heavy. Fat will fall. If your breasts were made of clay, then maybe we can remold your shape, until evolution allows us claytits, PLEASE PLEASE, pick your clothing wisely.

Don't be disappointed. Don't be hurt. Don't be haters of small breasted chicks (like me). "Girls like you can wear this without a bra, that sucks." It sucks for you. It rocks for me.

We were blessed with different boobs and different designers -- go find a new dress!

lady k

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Boob Wrangler.

A fabulous and wonderful repeat custy called me her "boob wrangler".

I like it. I like it a lot.


Physical Pain.

Sorry folks, the lingerieladies have been in physical pain from long hours, heavy breasts lifting, we're beat, thus, our bloggin has been slower than usual.

Rest assured that are still seeing many boobies daily, no fear.

Our feet hurt. We are in the hurtbox. If you love your local lingerielady, give her a foot massage certificate. Mine are about to fall off. During rush hour in our department, you will find us sprinting down aisles, hustling four fittings, climbing tall ass ladders. I caught my manager dangling from the ceiling while moving the heavy rolling ladder with her feet. Talk about physical. She's nuts.

We look cute on the outside but behind the glamour WE WORK OUR ASSES OFF for the love of breasts!!!


Props to Lady E - lifting breastesses and stopping shoplifters.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


More tomorrow... but for now... would just like to let all of you know that I am now, officially, a crime-fighter extrodinaire.

Since the "Shady Ladies" blog, my intuition led to the arrest of one of the shadiest customers of Department Store X... a woman who frequently returns fraudulant merchandise and has multiple fake IDs.

Dept. Store X has an open investigation on this woman. She has stolen thousands of dollars worth of merchandise from the company.

As a reward for catching her, I received a coffee card. Meaning- I can order ANY coffee I like from the cafe downstairs. Thanks, Department Store X.


Kids in girdles.


I had a custy who seemed pretty nice until she told me what she wanted. She and her daughter, age 12, had come in with a tight stretchy dress and needed a tummy slimmer. They were preparing for her daughter's bat mitvah. The dress was for her daughter. That's a no-no right there. Tight stretchy isn't for little girls. The second no-no was that this effin' mother wanted to put her little girl in a girdle device to suck in her pre-pubescent stomach. WTF?!?!!?

What are we telling our young, impressionable, and media-prone daughters? Good eating and exercise are always good things to tell your children. But shoving them into contraptions meant for "hiding" society's notion of imperfection isn't a good example of parenting.

Custy X kept asking me to get a smaller slimmer for her daughter. She's a kid, companies don't make slimmers for children. Her daughter wasn't shaped like a woman, she looked like a 12 year old kid, a cherubic girl. She had a little girl's belly, big deal. I wanted to tell Custy X, look at yourself and your effin "imperfections" -- start there, on your own damn body. Custy X wasn't in perfect shape herself, disheveled, a bit rolly. I still thought she was a lovely person despite her shape UNTIL she asked for a girdle.

The look on little custy X was of confusion. Her bat mitvah was supposed to be a fun and life-changing experience. But it just became a fashion show. The dress was badly chosen by someone. But it was most likely bought by MOM. And now, lil' X was being shoved into SPANX. At one point, her mother put two different brands of girdles on her in hopes of a "miracle". YES, I WANTED TO STRANGLE THIS BITCH OF A MOTHER.

Daughters look up to their mothers, even when they're not looking, they're listening. If mothers hate their image, their shape, their "selves", then that's what their daughter will hear. I've watched many a Oprah shows where daughters become anoxeric or "hate themselves" because they remember their mothers' self image as being so poor or non-existent.

So, if you have a daughter, listen to what you say about yourself. If you don't like like your fat ass, then go to the damn gym, eat less cheese.

So, if you have a daughter who isn't slim and dainty, watch what you say and do. Don't change her shape, don't hide her body, there'll be plenty of pressure in her life from peers, the media, and the society, you, as her mother need to defend who she is. Mothers - don't believe the hype, believe in health.

Unfortunately, Custy X was just the first of this type of mother in our department. The ones that follow suck equally. YOU ARE BAD MOTHERS, listen to yourself!!! Giving your children expensive clothes and parties may be cool to them for the moment. But what you say about their bodies will last a good lifetime not a moment. Please think first.

Oh, and kids in thongs, that's another no-no in my mind.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Throw Out 'Em Panties!!!

A custy and I had a long discussion about panties today. She came in bought 9 pairs of bikini underwear. Most custys don't leave the department without some kind of conversation. Custy X said to me, "I just have to throw my panties away after a few months, people think I'm weird."

Au contraire, Custy X, you are not weird.

"I do it every 3-6 months."

"You do?!?!" X exclaimed.


The conversation ended with me telling her about someone I knew who wore her college underwear. We've been out of college for more than a decade. The only time one should wear college underwear is in college.

New underwear is a simple luxury most of us can afford but do not buy. I'm not talking fancyschmancy underwear -- those I wear a couple times a year, handwash, and store properly for many years to come. I'm talking about your everyday underwear: you work in them, you work out in them, you hang out it them, you cook in them, etc.

I usually rotate about two dozen pairs of my basics. I toss a pair or two every couple weeks. I replenish when I'm low. My basic underwear is never more than six months old. I don't like any holes, tiny ones suck just like big ones, so I toss! I wear a lot of black basics. Black fades quickly regardless of the quality of the undies. When the color is too faded, I toss!

There are days I wear two pairs of panties (not at the same time, silly rabbit). Freshness counts.

You don't need to buy high-priced underwear or anything. A new 3-pack of Hanes will do the trick. Though Lady K's favorite basics are DKNY low-rise in black.

This goes for men too, clean but stained drawers, are gross as hell. Throw them away. Calvin's, Fruit of the Loom, 2xist, whatever, get some new undies, man. And stop wearing whitey tighties or whateverthehell you call it, pick a new color.

In my opinion, white basics don't work on men or women, waste of money, dirty-looking too soon, and bad for the environment (using bleach to keep them white).

Honestly, regardless of color, just buy some new underwear and toss anything that is 6 months old. Love yourself and your groin area, keep it fresh with new undies. Simple luxury!!!


Ode to the nipple.

Why as humans
do we fear the nipple?
It exists
on most people
Those who don't
will buy a pair
Women have them
men have them
Babies are born
with itty bitty ones
Let them free
Show the world
No shame
but that of hiding
the Nipple

This is my nipple poem -- for you, our readers. Why? Because, a wise college co-ed, Miss D, once told me a decade ago, "Lady K, free your nipples, lose the bra, who cares, plus guys love it."
I've been listening ever since. On braless days (which are many in my case), let your nipples breathe, for god's sake. Seriously, most humans and many animals have nipples. I know you've seen a National Geographic show here and a Discovery Channel special there. Africans have nipples. Holy heck, so do Americans! If you have not seen a nipple either on yourself or another person, then you are a nippleless non-nipple noticing alien.

Today, my fellow lingerieladies, were in shock that my nipples were "available". I was wearing a bralette (a thin cotton material) underneath my metallic tank top. My response, "Ladies, we sell sex here. We all see naked nipples for a living. Mine are under a shirt and cardigan, re-the-fuck-lax."

Even within the lingerie industry, people freak out about the nipple. The nipple is part of our anatomy, deal with it. When you're sexually aroused, your nipples get hard. But the same goes for cold weather. Hard nipples are a reaction to stimulus -- that's it.

The nipple is not a dirty body part. It's cute on some people. It's giganto or pepperoni size (including areola) on some other folks. But it's there. Don't freak out (unless it's effin' massive donut size --let us know.

I've seen some ladies without nipples or breasts for that matter, due to cancer. They are alive and grateful for every body part still intact. So, honor thy nipple(s), because you still have it. Don't hide from it or hide it from others. I'm not asking you go topless in public, but, just be okay that your nipples may poke through your shirt every now and then. Don't buy anymore breasts stickers to force your nipples to stay put. I'm asking you to live your life without the constant worry, "I wonder if my nipples are showing?"

You don't see guerillas or cows covering their nips, do you? Mother Nature and Miss D say, "Let them free".

And for those people who want to take a peek at your nipples protruding out on a cold day, who the crap cares. They have nipples too!!!

Some folks even have three nipples, I called them "special". I made out with a hot Irishman with three nipples once. Ah, good times, good times...

Friday, June 8, 2007

Shady Ladies

I just wanted to write a little note to all of the shady, fraudulent women who shop (I use this term loosely, and you will soon see why) in my department.

I'm onto you. You reek of crazy and I am picking up the scent.

Shady indicator #1:

You are wearing sunglasses. Not only are we inside, but we're bathed in harsh flourescent lighting. Very few medical conditions require you to wear sunglasses indoors. Even fewer suggest that these sunglasses be cheap Chanel knockoffs.

2. You cannot stop talking. The subject matter is not limited to, but focuses primarily on your "money". You physically cannot stop speaking until you have told me all about your summer home, favorite La Perla panties, and manfriend on the side. Guess what? I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. You are wearing a thin, stained t-shirt and your cheapass acrylics have clearly not seen a mani in several months. Stop lying to me.

3. You buy loads of stuff without trying any of it on. All bras do not fit the same. You must try them on. I tell you this, and you decline my offer to start you a fitting room. I smell shady.

4. The things you buy are in all different sizes. I point this out and you say, "Oh, yeah well my size varies...some things I like to be a little smaller... sometimes I need a little room..." Yeah, that makes sense. But you are buying underwear in both sizes large and extra small, when that butt of yours hasn't seen an extra small since fifth grade. Again, shady.

5. You bring a questionable entourage. Usually, this entourage consists of creepy pimpesque boyfriend who lurks near the periphery of the department, and equally-shady best friend.

The point is this: I know you are going to do fraudulent things with my merchandise- things that will likely result in a hefty return on my commission. So don't be surprised when I completely ignore you the next time I see you in my department. But don't worry...the slightly newer salesgirl who still thinks you are a nice, normal customer will be happy to help you.

-Lady E

Speaking of Skinny Bitches...

A famous supermodel came in to the department today.

I just wanted all of you to know that she had a severe case of cottage cheese thigh.

That's all.


Fat Chicks, Skinny Bitches.

Big People - stop thinking that we care that you are fat. We're here to service you regardless of size. Do not apologize to us for your fatness, go to the gym, eat less. Don't cause a scene when one isn't really there. Don't run from me. Own your body.

Big People - don't assume because I weigh sometimes 100lbs less than you that I cannot fit you correctly. I've had fat custys who refused my service because of my size. But I've had 100s of successful happy fat fits, so it can be done!

"Is there someone larger than you who can help me?" No joke, this has been asked many many times. "Someone my weight?"

Once I responded, "No, but my manager is here, and two of us are your weight."

Lucky for me, the custy didn't sock me, she laughed and let us fit her. She left quite happy with some 40DDD bras.

Angry Big People - even effin' worse. This group gets mad at us and the product they can't fit into. Once there was an angry big person who yelled at us because her SPANX wouldn't pull up all the way. If you are over 300lbs, no girdle will fit you. Invent one, stop yelling at us. Seriously.

There are larger lingerie ladies on staff too. They get the opposite effect from the Skinny Bitches. Skinny Bitches you probably don't have much boob to begin with.

Skinny Bitches - don't think that because a lingerie lady is fat that she doesn't know small size or what's sexy.

Regardless of what size we are, we know our stuff, so shut it, and let us do our thang.

No Mo' Black Yo!

This post kinda relates to previous posts"brand of the moment" and "embrace the lace". There are so many of you, women and men, who spend your hard earned moola(h) on sexy, lacey, racey, black lingerie. Why? Oh, why?

Black isn't even a color. It lacks hue, brightness, doesn't reflect light. Why keep wearing it?

Repeat after me, COLOR is the new black.

Don't be afraid to wear crazy, neon purple thongs. It's comin' off anyway.

So, challenge yourself, next time you "sexy" shop, buy COLOR.


Brand of the Moment


I get asked a lot by my men friends, "what's hot for my girlfriend?" My most recent response has been a brand called EBERJEY. Your higher department store should have it or your local fancy boutique.

The line is hot, sexy, and classy. It's younger and hipper. Anyone can rock it, but particular the ladies from 25-40. This age range is tired of Vicky's stuff. Vicky's is for girls. Guys - up the game, don't give your ladies something that's available to every women across the country. Think about it, Vicky's in every freakin' mall you can think of, boring!

Eberjey currently consists of a softer palette of colors. But even pale girls like myself can get away with light blues and greens. The line has panties, bralettes, camis, chemises (nightie), and pj sets.

Eberjey also has something called "the boythong" -- it's a hotass hybrid undie, rock it!

Eberjey your lady!!!


Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Nipple Hair(s)

Cut it off or tweeze it.
Leave the chest hair to the men folk.

Fitting a custy is hard when a or many pubic looking hair(s) dangle for dear life around your nipple.

It's like a cruel joke to women, body hair.
But if you read my ode to Brazilian Waxing earlier, you know there are methods to rid of unsightly hair. If you are proud of your one nipple hair, then I will sneak into your house and cut it off myself and run like hell.


Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Lingerie Glossary -- muffintop

Ah, the muffintop.

Unless you are bone thin, you have it. On slender people, it's not always noticeable, but it sludges out if you wear the wrong thing. Wrong thing = strong bikinis, tight ass lowrise jeans, too small elastic pants, etc.

Muffintop is a no-no in Lady K's blog. String bikinis need to be banned back to the 80s.

To rid of muffintop, make sure your undies have a wide band or a
forgiving stretchy band ie. Hanky Panky thongs. These thongs are great for big, curvy chicks too!

Say No to String.

fyi, women who wear tight ass clothes (even skinny girls), beware of muffintop's evil cousin, "sausage casing". It looks awful. Just because you can afford $300 jeans DOES NOT effin' mean you should wear them!!!

Monday, June 4, 2007

Creeped out moment #2

Lady K’s post sparked a momentarily horrifying, disgusting flashback.

One time (of many) that I was creeped out involved a lady that we will call Sue. Sue was a rotund woman in a mumu-esque floral-print dress who sported a slightly crooked and poorly crafted auburn wig.

Sue needed to be fit, and I was the lucky lady for the job.

Once in the fitting room, Sue explained that she would need to remove her wig. Fine. People wear wigs for many reasons and I appreciate that. I soon discovered, however, that Sue wore the wig for no purpose other than to conceal a mass of slick, dark, greasy curls. It was at this moment that I began to feel slightly creeped out.

To be properly fit, women must remove all garments from the waist up. Unfortunately in the case of Sue, mumu/dresses must be entirely removed or rolled down. Sue chose the entirely removed option. She peeled off the mumudress to reveal one of the rattiest bra/granny panty combos that I have seen to date. It gets worse.

Sue had massive, massive amounts of underarm hair. Two to three inches of glistening, curly follicles that smelled vaguely of cheese.

I fit Sue with rapid, jerking movements while holding my breath and struggling to maintain a believable friendly smile. I nearly died in that fitting room.

- Lady E

Creeped out moment #1

When I first started in the lingerie department, I met a lovely custy, a slight heavier custy, but who cares. Don't remember her name or face actually, but I remember something else. It still freaks the shit out of me.

Every person's body is unique in its own way -- I didn't know this until "that day". I when in with my custy and told her to unshirt. She did. I measured her from behind. I gave her my size speech, blah, blah, yada, yada... I walked out to search for the proper bras.

I traipsed back to full frontal horror. I swore she had two belly buttons!!!!!!!!!!

Some may say it was a dimple on her gut. I say it was an extra belly button!!!!!

I wanted to ask. I wanted to stick something in it to prove my point.

It was thumping like the heart under the boards, boomboomboomboom. I kept staring away only to be whisk back with utter curiosity.

And then she bought the bras and left. Never again will I need to see TWO BELLY BUTTONS!!!!!!!!!!!

-Lady K

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Instant Birth Control

After 1.5 years of looking at breasts for a living, I can indeed say I may never want to have children, ever, ever.

Breasts sag, breasts hang, breasts droop, breasts dangle, breasts swing wide, breasts flop
--- and that's on most normal women.
Multiply above verbs x 5, you get breasts that have had children.

I'm scared. Real scared.

I've seen good-looking women, bodies tight as hell, thanks to pilates I've been told time and time again. But their tays tays look awful. They're low, they've become so stretched from pregnancy then breastfreeding.

Here's a timeline:

1. regular boob

2. the sex

3. conception

4. hormones kick it, baby boobies begin.

5. new stretchy bra needed to adjust

6. realization that breasts are effin huge!
-- I've seen A cuppers become Cs and Ds.
-- I've met many natural 34ddds that got even bigger
-- for men, this might be entertaining and sexual.
for women, this will be pain and suffering (wear the right bra - don't be cheap)

6a. your nipple area is dark as hell -- evolution says your baby needs to see where the milk is coming from, makes sense, huh?

7. birth of culprit

8. happy happy

9. realization that breastfeeding makes you lose weight except in your breasts.
-- they only get bigger ladies, more milk is produce when you breastfeed.
-- use both boob if possible or one side WILL BE larger (seen many cases)

10. god bless, cows. you stop breastfeeding.
-- your ladies begin to deflate

11. happiness eludes, sadness dawns.

12. new bra shopping.
-- bitch to your lingerielady
-- even point the finger to your darling bay-bay "She did this to me. I didn't look like this before. Damn babies."

Lesson learned: Having small breasts to begin with is a good thing. It won't solve everything but it helps.

There's no such thing as booblates or boobga. If I had a superpower, it would be to zap post-pregnancy tits back into shape.

L to the K.

Rock Star.

Lady E. and I both had "rock star" Saturdays. I thought it. She said it.

The average day in the lingerie department doesn't constitute "rock star" status. But yesterday, I was in damn demand. Custys lining up and actually waiting for me, and only me. Gotta leave the repeat business. It felt good. There was no stopping me yesterday. I was fitting bras, telling jokes, laughing, and selling everything under the sun. The custys soaked it up and went away amused and rockin' themselves.

I am a rock star when I am demand. I am a rock star when ladies come out with $300-400 of bras and don't give a flyin' f#@$#k about cost. Many of them, shaking my hands, hugging me, dragging their girlfriends back to the department for a fitting (mucho gracias for this one) avec moi.

Gratitude on people's faces - well worth the dry hands.

'Tis a good Saturday indeed.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

6 questions - never ask them again!!!

1. What is your most popular bra? What is your best bra?

Just stop asking. There are hundreds of bras on my lingerie floor. I will find the “best” for you. It is individual. Don’t run out to buy the best selling bra or anything for that matter. My favorite bra is DKNY’s convertible cotton bras. I have three of them. The price is in the mid $30s. The comfort level is quite high. But is this bra the best for you? I’m a big 32C/small 32D. My breast tissue for the moment is firm and perky (please St. Boob don’t let them drop ever).

Each person’s breast is unique to that person. You must remember that size matters but so does individual shape. You may be in your proper size bra but the shape of the bra and your breasts play a huge part in the “best bra”. If you and your best friend are both 34Ds, then you have good size breasts. But it does not mean one bit that you should be wearing the same bra. Even if she were a different size and she swore on her grandmother’s grave that “this is the most amazing bra”, don’t run out and buy it in your size. Ladies, remember, some of us are perky and round, some of us are set wide and droopy. There are various ways one’s breasts hang or don’t hang. So, don’t buy the same bra as your best friend, unless you have tried it on.

2. Do you have cheaper bras?

This question only pertains when you are at Target or Kmart. There’s nothing wrong with a cheap price good quality bra. Trust me I’ve swung by Ross and Marshalls for lingerie before. You can’t beat a good deal. When you enter a major department that sells perfume for $150 and shirts for $1000 then all bets are off. Please expect to pay at least $60 for a good bra at department stores that start with N, S, or B. Calvin Klein and DKNY are cheaper lines. Most of their products start at $35. Sometimes, these stores will have sales, sometimes. But don’t come see me and be perplexed at a La Perla bra for $170 (that’s a cheap La Perla). I know not everyone has even $35 to shell out (I know I don’t) for a foundation garment. Please write your lingerie manufacturers and complain to them for price gauging. There is nothing I can do. But seriously, save some cash and find one good bra that lifts your spirits. Don’t be cheap when it comes to your boobs! An expensive bra is cheaper than breast augmentation.

3. Does this fit me?

Okay, you may ask me this once and that’s it. Does it fit? What do you think? If your breasts are high and mighty, then yes. If your breasts are inside the cups and there is no sign of double bubble cleavage, then it fits. If you raise your arms and your breasts don’t cascade down to your stomach, then it fits. If you don’t have breasts under your armpits, then it fits. Ladies, it really isn’t hard, relax and breathe. Bra shopping may feel like a sport but it’s just shopping. Remember we like shopping!

4. I can’t be a DD. Can I?

Actually, you can, naturally too. I have a few friends who are natural 34DDDs. It happens to some of us. Please don’t question me on my bra fitting knowledge. If I tell you that you’re a 36G, then it’s the truth. I only benefit when I size you properly. Making you an enormous cup size is not my wish. Own what you got, ladies, own it! And for those who really own it because it was bought, stop asking, “Can I?” Yes, they’re huge! A petite woman with my size breasts could be a 30DD, don’t be astonished. Many augmented ladies come in and insist that their surgeons made them a “C”. Au contraire, surgeons are not bra fitters. They size you according to your body and your needs. I’ve had little suburban housewives with full on boob jobs leave the store with a look of dismay. I shot their bra size down, in most cases, shot them up.

“Ma’am, you’re a 32DD.”

“I can’t be, can I? No way. Strippers have DDs.”

Not all of strippers have DDs, some are pint size As. I've seen!

There’s nothing wrong with a boob job. There’s nothing wrong with DDs either. Strippers are people too so don’t use them as an example for big boobs gone wild. Real or fake, own what you got.

5. Do you have a good push-up bra?

Again, stop asking me this question. Half of my ladies dread the word push-up. My other half doesn’t understand the push-up bra and constantly ask for it. In my eyes the push-up bra has two different purposes. One: to naturally push up what you have without the exaggerated cleavage. Two: to unnaturally push OUT every ounce of breast tissue you have. Most of us want the first type but expect the second. It’s quite bizarre.

If you have big breasts then the bra has to work overtime just to hold them up. The “push” really isn’t going to work for you. The extra side padding will only bump you up slightly. It may make you look a tad fuller. Do not be disappointed that your breasts are not racked high and shelf-like.

Most push-up bras sold in department stores are subtle enhancements that are not meant to be seen outside your blouse. That’s type one push-up.

Type two push is for music videos, Vegas clubs, or hot unadulterated sex.

6. Do you have full briefs?

The only thing brief about briefs is the name. It is the panty with the fullest amount of fabric. I abhor them. Granny panties, oy, oy, oy. When this question is asked I want to run for the nearest exit. Why do you want to cover your entire stomach with a panty? Even high waist panties need to remain below the belly button. There is no benefit to full briefs. I will find the scientific proof! Full briefs are an atrocity to the modern lingerie industry. I was so excited when our store sent away our briefs. There should have been a parade that day. Granny panties are not sexy. Granny panties are not any more comfortable. You’re actually wearing more fabric. And you’re more likely to get a wedgie than someone wearing low-rise panties, less to pull! Granny panties do not hide your fat (so don’t use that reason). Granny panties do not make you more conservative. One customer described herself as religious and conservative, thus, only she could only wear briefs. If you were truly pious, then no one should be looking at your undies to begin with. God will not judge you if you have a thong or a hipster on. So, burn your briefs, don’t be sad that we don’t carry them, and stop asking me for them!

Lady K.

VPL Defender.

Years ago, in NYC, a co-worker freaked out that I had VPL.

"Oh my Gawd, you have VPL, gross."

She made it sound like a disease I caught overseas while swimming in dung. Well, it's not, most of the ladies know VPL as "visible panty lines". I am guilty and damn stinkin' proud of it. Underwear lines exist. Thongs were a solution back then. I didn't wear thongs back then. So, that was not my answer. I just didn't care. I said to myself, "I rather see panty lines on myself and everyone else." Because many "everyone else"s have large rippled, cottage cheese, asses. I rather see panty lines then uncovered cheese. Oy, Oy, Oy. Skinny chicks, fat chicks, cottage ass affects all types of women. Panty line saves. If you have a fat wobbly jiggly non-muscular ass, trust me, no one is looking at your ass anyway. Wear damn panties. Wear boxers.

I wear thongs now on occasion but still defend the VPL. I think it's sexy to see lines if you have the right panty on - cheeky boyshorts, brazilian cut, low-risers.

But if you wear a thong, low-rise it all the way, unless you wear "mom jeans", you are not allowed to buy high-rise thongs.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

You Should Read This. (I mean, I think you should read this...or should you?)

If one thing drives me crazy, it is the women who are unable to contain the inner monologue in the head. These are the women that are impossible for me to escape because, while they are really having a conversation with themselves, they are doing so in a way that makes it appear as though they are talking to me. Generally when this happens, I make a variety of noises (mmm… mmm hmm?) to sound vaguely disinterested, so that the customer might allow me to escape.

Incidentally, the aforementioned women also happen to be the most indecisive ladies on the planet.

The other day I encountered indecisive customer, Sarah (see disclaimer).

Sarah was in her late forties, sporting a uniform of black, with her dark hair twisted into a severe-looking bun. She explained to me that she was on the hunt for undies that were cotton, not high-rise but not exactly low-rise. I escorted her to the section of the department where I believed we would find this very thing, and presented a pair of my personal favorites.

“But, these are so thick. I mean, don’t you think they are awfully thick?

“No problem, we have others. How about this? I held up a cotton DKNY panty.

“Let me see… oh, this says five percent spandex… I don’t know… my skin is extremely sensitive… I mean, I had really hoped to find a pair that was one hundred percent cotton… I guess it might be ok, but I just really didn’t want to settle…”

The one-sided conversation continued as she shot down the Wacol (Too granny-like) and Calvin Klein (too young-looking) panties.

Sensing that this woman was going to be difficult to please I waved in the general direction to my right and said,

“Well, we have a great selection of panties that you can find in those two bunkers*. I’m sure you will find something there!”

“Will you just show me? I mean, I don’t know which ones to look for, exactly.”

“Sure!” I forced a bright smile.

I pulled a nice cotton Cosabella bikini from a nearby tree*. She appeared interested.

“Well, I guess these might work. Let’s see… how much are they? Twenty one dollars?? For a pair of underwear?? No, no way. I am only going to buy one, but wow, that is way too much”

If I were not already annoyed and discouraged, this would have done it. Not only was I sucked into helping the neediest customer in the entire department, but it was now confirmed that the entire production would result in a purchase of one pair of panties, totaling no more that $20. Bear in mind, I work on commission.

I ushered her to the Felina section und yanked a panty off the rounder*.

“How about this?”

“Well… that seems like it rides awfully low… but then, the other one was just about that low I suppose… although…”

It was at this point when, inevitably, the department began to flood with customers. It was a whirlwind of bras, panties, and credit cards as my fellow sales associates rushed after customers and swooped up sales. There I stood, trapped in the eye of the hurricane with Mrs. Indecisive, who had finally stopped talking and was staring at me expectantly.

Having tuned out well over five minutes prior, I had absolutely no idea why.

“Will they shrink? Or do you think they will be ok?”

“They will be fine. They are perfect.”

“Really? Or are you just saying that?”

At that point yes, I was just saying that so she would buy the freaking underwear.

“Alright, I’ll take them.”

Thank god.

I lead her to the cluttered cash wrap, the only remaining evidence of the recently busy, now vacant department.

“You know what, nevermind, forget it,” she told me, shaking her head. “I think I will just stick to the ones I have at home. Is that ok? I mean, thanks for your help... you've been so helpful"

I grit my teeth and forced one final smile.

"No problem. Happy to help!!"

- E

* Trees, bunkers, and rounders are all devices that hold bras/panties/shapewear/etc.


All names that we use on this blog are FAKE. i.e. Lavonne (see Spanx blog) is not actually named Lavonne. At least I don't think so... I never actually asked.

We will not disclose where we work, either.

Happy reading! :)

To the Point of No Return

Under very few circumstances is it actually ok to return underwear. Let’s say your boyfriend bought you a very expensive La Perla set: bra sized 32A and thong sized small. Let’s say you wear a 38DDD and thong sized XL. You have not worn the merchandise, the tags are still attached, and you have the receipt. Fine, return it.

Please, ladies, DO NOT return merchandise that you have clearly worn to death. Not only is it absolutely disgusting for Lady K and I to deal with your stretched out, nasty, sometimes soiled garments, but we are equally shocked by your lack of embarrassment and shame while returning them.

It is horrifying how many of you are guilty of this.

The following is a very typical situation:

A lady enters the department, barreling directly toward the cash wrap. Already, she is in full- blown defensive mode.

“I have a problem,” she whines. “I bought this bra here... and I wore it a couple of times but then the strangest thing happened…”

She then reaches into her crumpled bag to produce what I assume must be the bra but instead appears to be a dingy dishrag with adjustable straps.

“SEE??” she exclaims, pointing to a shard of silver poking through the raw remains of fabric. The wire is poking through! Is that supposed to happen??

Of COURSE that is not supposed to happen, if you recently purchased the bra and really only wore it A FEW times. But if, in fact, you purchased the bra in 1990 and have worn it each consecutive day since, the poor bra has HAD ENOUGH. It is DEAD. It can no longer withstand the weight of your saggy boobs. It has given up.

Replace the freaking bra- and I don’t mean by returning it to my department for a new one. I mean by throwing the haggard bra away and BUYING A NEW ONE.

And when I tell you that, unfortunately, we cannot return your bra, DO NOT GET ANGRY WITH ME. Don’t yell at me, cause a scene, or threaten to write to our corporate office. Lady K and I will be happy to get you into a nice, clean new bra after we properly dispose of your disgusting one.


Beauty pagents.

Just watched Miss Universe.
Miss Mexico and Korea - very suspect fake boobs. huge gaps between breasts.
Very disappointing to see - these girls were all born in the 1980s. Some are 19. And they have breast implants? At 19, I was still growing.

What are we telling our youth? Tall, skinny, luscious locks = beauty?

God bless, Miss Tanzania for rocking the baldy.

What do breasts and bikinis have to do with "being a role model" and "doing charity"? Answer that question next year contestants.

And how did Dave Navarro get to be a judge?


We sell sex.

In every OB-GYN and pediatrician office, there's a wall dedicated to baby pictures, little wittle cute babies. These babies were conceived with the care of many physicians. The lingerie department should have such a wall.

I think the true reason for conception starts with your friendly lingerielady. Face it, we make babies in the lingerie department.

Women come to us to enhance their figures by lifting their breasts up. Men look at breasts. Bingo! There's physical attraction. Next thing you know - they have sex. They have baby.

Women come to us to buy "sexy" lingerie. We find them the daintiest and laciest piece of doily called the thong. We assure our custy that everything they're buying is hot as hell and sexier than sex itself. Men like little thongs because it's easily pealed off or rippable. Trust me, men don't care if it's pink or black or polka dot. Thong is off! Again, we have sex, I mean, they have sex. They have baby.

Men come to us for a gift consultation. Do you think I'm gonna give them an ankle length nightgown? Hell yes!!! If it's sheer!!! Men like see-thru stuff. It's not always about black bra and panty set -- lame-O; it's too easy and available. Be creative, men. See-thru nightie is hot. Nipples show right through. Men love nipples. Once more, sex happens. BAM! Baby!

The lingerie department is like a sex generating machine and baby factory. Some customers just have sex. Some customers have sex and babies. It's optional - the baby.

I'd be a rich lady if I got $5 for every baby made because of me. Richer if I got $5 for each and every time sex occurred because of the products I've sold.

Give us the credit we are due. Give us a baby picture wall.

We keep it hot and sexy. Remember that.

Sex. Sex. Sex.


Monday, May 28, 2007

Healthy Hands

Being a lingerielady isn't as glamourous as you may think. I touch people spiritually and physically on a daily basis. To keep our sanity intact, we must wash our hands frequently. The ladies try to wash after each and every bra fitting. If the custy isn't as sweaty as we thought, we will speed wash with antibacterial hand sanitizer. We always have buckets of that stuff and hand lotion around. But I prefer to go to our cosmetics department and La Mer my hands (the best lotion available to woman)

Our hands are always dry as Death Valley in the heat of summer. I think I've washed my fingertips down to a flat surface. If there is love for your lingerielady, then buy us hand lotion.

Touching people freaks me out. But at least I know what I'm touching. Working in retail made me realized that the dirtiest thing anyone can touch in daily life is : MONEY. MONEY. MO' MONEY.

Public restrooms aren't as bad as they seem. Most people do wash their hands, at least with water.

Money is goddamn gross. I love it when it's in the form of an ATM card.

Why money?

A long, long time ago, last fall, my best buddy rolled into town for a weekend of adventure which included a nudey club. I'm not into chicks but I went for the hell of it. And there, I realized where money could have come from. Yeah, some dollars were in her g-string or her top. Did I mention it was an all-nude club? Let's just say, some of the strippers snatched up their dollars.

Wash your hands. Keep them healthy.

-The Lady K


Don't call me "sweetie", "honey", or "horn-ney" (one particular evil customer who torches young employees- and yes, she will be going to hell), "baby-doll", "cutie". Unless we have been dating for at least two months, do NOT call me these nicknames. "Bra lady K" is better than "dear". We are grown women trying to do YOU a great service. I don't care if you are the nicest customer around - I got me a name!

Don't bring your damn dog. I don't care if it's the cutest effin' thing in the world and fits into a coffee cup. Leave it at home. The poor dogs look freaked out and shake for dear life. I feel bad for these little dogs - bred to be cute and small enough to step on.

As for the bigger dogs on a leash, I feel bad for the lingerieladies and fellow customers. We are trying to shop and work in peace without allergies, potential bites, and poop accidents in dressing room 7. We had a co-worker who had her skirt ripped into by a pokey puppy. And, I feel bad for our housekeepingladies who have to poop scoop.

If you can afford a Louis Vuitton dog carrier, then you can afford a dogsitter.

In the land of my ancestors, we eat dog, so leave them at home before I get hungry!!!


Sunday, May 27, 2007

Customer Rule Book R1-R3

R1: Please refrain from calling me MAM. I am 25, but when you call me Mam, I feel like I am pushing 60. There are plenty of ways to get my attention that do not involve the word Mam. My favorite method involves waving me to the register with your black Amex while carting an armload of bras.

R2: Stop killing the messenger. When I tell you that you are a size 40DDD, stop staring at me accusingly as though I were the one responsible for making you that size. Denying that you are, in fact, a 40DDD and squeezing yourself into a 36D will not miraculously shrink those boobies to a smaller size. Trust me. Oddly enough I have attended very intense training sessions that specifically teach me how to fit you into your size.

R3: If you have children, please, DO NOT BRING THEM BRA SHOPPING WITH YOU. Not only do they wreak havoc on our department, yanking bras off hangers and submerging themselves in sleepwear, but they seriously interfere with the fitting process. Surely your husband/nanny/friend/neighbor can take them off your hands for a hot minute while you get yourself a new bra.

- Lady E

Mommies, kiddies, daddies

There should be a limit to kids in the lingerie departments. One adult to every child is a must. We have countless women who don't believe in babysitters for various reasons - they can't bear to leave their kids home (leave them with dad (who never seems to be around)); they can't afford to hire a sitter (but can spend 400 bucks on bras); they are sadistic mothers.

Lingerieladies absolutely hate women who travel with their best friend and her family. Each woman toting three children under the age of five. One kid is a newborn baby, that's why the moms are in, to get a nursing bra or a new set of post nursing bras. The other two children are age 4 and 5. They beat each other. They hide in our panty bunkers. They chase each other and knock down many, many bras. Some even decide to rearrange our merchandise.

The worst offenders of all are mommies who let their children wear rollershoes. On many occasions I've wanted to trip these children. I hate these damn rollershoes. Lingerie departments do not equal freakin' roller rinks.

Maybe, I'm just a childless selfish bitch, but leave the damn kids at home or don't come at all!!!

And for the daddies who sit on their fat asses and won't help their wives out - you suck! I've seen some who come shopping with their families. They sit in the department and wait in silence. F!$#$#king A! Watch your child so your wife can shop for bras. Her tits are sagging as we speak. You inject her with sperm and then sit on your ass while she has the kid and cares for the kid. And she can't shop in peace? You suck!

Cute babies who cannot walk are always welcomed. We love them:)

ll k

Another Day at the Office

At work today I had the following thoughts, few of which are lingerie related:

1. Having Laryngitis while working in retail (as I did, today) is an interesting challenge. On one hand, it makes it far easier for the customer to ignore you. Today many of them would breeze past me as I whisper-screamed "can I help you??!?" at them and pretend that I was simply not there. I felt a brief camaraderie with panhandlers, hand creme kiosk guys, and the do-you-have-a-moment-for-the-environment guys with the clipboards. On the other hand, it made some customers act more nicely toward me because they pitied me more than normal. The poor girl is working in retail AND she’s a mute? I should be charitable and buy a bra from her.

2. They have replaced the regular shirtless guy that stands in front of Abercrombie with a slightly more muscley and metrosexual version. I can only imagine what the demotion speech to former shirtless guy sounded like:

"Hey Chad, man. Sorry bro, but you’re lookin’ a little soft. We’re gonna have Brock take over your door spot for a while. I wont write you up this time, dude, but before you go tonight I need you to clean out the fitting rooms and give me 100 crunches. Cool?"

3. The boys at the MAC counter wear an alarming amount of makeup. So much that a few of them bear a striking resemblance to actual women. I did a triple-take today as I saw one of them enter the men’s restroom. That said, I am totally going to get my makeup done by one of them next time I go out. Those boys sure know how to handle a tube of lipstick.

4. The forks at Chipotle simply do not pierce through anything. Short of a spork, they are the best possible utensil for scraping out burrito innards, but should you need to stab your way through a piece of lettuce you are absolutely screwed. It is probably my fault for ordering a salad at Chipotle. It’s just different ratios of the same crap, right?

5. If one more woman says to me, "You just wait until you are my age... things just don’t hold up like they used to!" I will absolutely scream. Though I may appear to be an ignorant young twenty something, these women must also remember that I SEE BOOBS FOR A LIVING. It is not as though I am sitting around wondering gee, what will my boobs look like when I am 85? Probably just about the same, right? I HAVE SEEN MANY A GRANDMA BOOB. So stop passing along this comment like it is a pearl of wisdom. I cannot take it any longer.

- Lady E

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Lingerie Glossary - custy and OTC

custy - short for customers, simple enough to understand

OTC - stands for exactly what you think: over the counter, used by Lady K to certain problem custys.

When a customer is unruly, bitchy, obnoxious, rude, thief-like and sneeky, ill-mannered, better than thou and God attitudy, etc. , the lingerieladies want to jump "over the counter" and strangle them to death with a bra. It will be worth being fired. It's just retail.

It happens a few times a week. Though most of our custys are civilized and polite.

Oprah's Back Fat

Dearest Oprah,

You are my idol. And I love you. But you must retract certain statements made on your “bra intervention” show. I am one of hundreds of "Department Store X" bra fitters. We are all initially grateful to your show, for, every time this particular show airs we double our sales and make more commission. So, thank you for that. But I suggest you retract or at least put a disclaimer on your show’s position on the evil, notorious, and eyesore “BACK FAT”.

YOUR show stated that there was a bra that ELIMINATED back fact. This statement is far, far, far from truth. The word “minimized” may have been a better choice. There are legions of loyal Oprah viewers, and damn, they sure do listen to every single word of your show. Those legions listened so well that my co-workers and I get yelled at all the time for not having the magical back fat eliminating contraption. I don’t care if the bra is seamless, laser cut, heat infused, or that an invisible bra fairy made it, there is no such bra that melts back fat.

Liposuction or intense exercise may be the only answer. I am not a surgeon or a personal trainer.

I am not a therapist for lack of self-image either. I can do my best to lift and sometimes separate.

O, please tell your ladies, it’s actually okay to have a squeezy here and there. Eliminating all back fat makes us, well, weight lifters. We are females. It’s okay to have back fat. What happened to loving ourselves, our bodies, as is? I have women who squeeze their excess skin, their armpit fat (second to the back fat), their saggy breasts, and other jiggly bits. They squeeze then they agonize over their body parts. I keep things in perspective and fit them the best that I can. I tell them everyone has a little squeezy part. So stop telling them there’s a quick fix to a potentially unhealthy lifestyle. You cannot eat burgers and fries, weigh 250lbs, and then hope for a magical bra. Even skinny girls get back fat! Yes, they do.

Oprah, you see, instead of leaving the lingerie department happy some of my customers leave deflated because of their back fat. They also believe that I gave them a crappy fitting. I had one cranky, stubborn, yet loyal fan of yours yell the living daylights out of me for giving her an unprofessional, bad fit. She demanded zero back fat. She said that you said there was a bra that would do it for her. She called me an incompetent of my trade. She shook her head, waved her hands at me, and sulked. She measured at a 34DD but refused to take any bra close to that size. I, against my training, had to sell her your favorite LeMystere bra in a 38D. She was barely satisfied. But she was done shopping to my relief. Oprah, I never wanted to slap an elderly lady in my life, until that day. The woman was pushing 70 years old and still she had body image issues. This to me is the bigger concern.

And Oprah, please tell your legion that it is okay to have some jiggles and remind them that most people do wear clothes over their bras. No one should be that close to their bodies to inspect the infamous fat. Stop fighting the back fat, either love it or work it off. My back fat letter to you also applies to Spanx. Your beloved modern day girdle may work miracles for some but for others it’s just a device to move their fat to a new place. Again, let’s not hide for the fatness, it’s here, Oprah, it’s here.

Lady K

P.S. How can I get tickets to your Christmas giveaway show? Thanks!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

pay me more, please.

Tonight, a very nice woman came in to find a girdle. I decided a waist cincher was more than enough. She only wanted tummy control (no Spanx needed). The large cincher fit perfect. I helped her fasten everything together -- there's about 20 little hooks.

"The large is too big, I want a medium."

"A medium? Ah, okay."

I think I hurt my thumb putting the medium cincher on my custy. The damn thing was so effin tight, that I had to kneel down, brace her big ass onto my babysized bosom, in plain view of the security cameras. Sometimes, I wonder what security thinks of our antics in the lingerie department. I had some stranger's ass sitting on my chest. Luckily, she didn't smell and her skin was quite soft, hooray.

"The medium is perfect, I'll take the medium."

At least it wasn't a small, I may have broken a finger in that case.

Ubi Sub Ubi - passing the DNA

"ubi sub ubi" a silly phrase composed of real Latin words, "wear under wear". My Latin teacher would always say it as a joke. Now I say it as a code of conduct, "ubi your sub ubi", in my case, "wear your damn undies!"

Going commando is great. I do it often, shhhh! But never at work or while I try on underwear or swimwear. But there are plenty, too many actually that slap on a pair of our store's underwear over their crotches. Why do I know this for a fact? Because I've walked into a room and see Brazilian. If I see your Brazilian while you're wearing the unpurchased undies, then you MUST buy that pair. If underwear has touch your vagina up and close and personal -- that's effin' gross!!!
Buy it you sick bitch! Don't leave it in the dressing room for me to pick it up. Now the protocol is for me to actually plastic bag it and send it away, far away ASAP.

I had these two wannabe models come in and blatantly DNA our undies up, even after I said, hey, "you must keep your undergarments on", they kept prancing around outside their dressing rooms with our undies on. But I doubt they even wore underwear to the store. They had hot bods with jacked up faces (very Los Angeles). Lady E was helping one of them. So, she was my witness to pootyfest.

"Oh, we'll buy all the underwear." My custy said.

Lies. Lies. She bought two out of four she had. E's custy bought two out of the seven she'd tried on.

Trust me, I went in to plastic bag them ASAP.

Lesson here: I only buy underwear if I know it's virginally. Lady E can too. But you as a customer cannot be guaranteed that same luxury.

If you go commando to try on our panties, then think about us - it's gross for us to touch your pooty remains (and yes, I've seen DNA left behind). It's ABSOLUTELY gross for the next person who tries on the same pair-- because the lingerieladies can only catch so many people. So, DNA undies go back to the selling floor all the time -- it doesn't matter if you shop at Saks, Neimans, Nordstrom. Lingeriesladies cannot police each and every dressing room. Though at Target and Forever 21 you may not try on panties, believe it or not -- good for them!

And wait, it's fucking absolutely gross for those who go commando at stores. THINK about it, if you go commando, someone else may have commando the same panties before you tried them on. It's a vicious cycle, so let's end it.

Second lesson: Heat wash your undies before you wear them, regardless of it's origins. Even virgin panties have dyes and chemicals that your skin may respond to. But dyes are better than DNA!